ALBERTO GONZALEZ & JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywags
Hi, my name is Hal Scallion, and most of you probably don’t know me. It is my first full semester at Fredonia and it has not been going very well at all. Ever since I started here, I have been consistently late to classes and meetings because I still can’t learn this school’s confusing layout. I have had trouble making friends, all while dealing with the stereotypes that come along with being from the “Allium” genus (No, my breath does not smell).
Thanks to my snarky cousin, Maximillion Onion, who was so narcissistic as to name a whole online magazine after himself, I always felt like I could not be my true, sarcastic, joke-cracking self without being cast under the all-consuming shadow of my cousin. The only solace I have when I am inevitably asked about my “famed” cousin is referring to him as Max, because he is so pretentious he refuses to have his name shortened.
Things started to look up for me this week when I had finally met some people in the Intercultural Center who knew what it was like to be put into a box — although I am glad this is not the same box my uncle Steve was put in; he ended up being sautéed over a porterhouse. I was so excited to contribute to BSU that I had volunteered last Sunday to use my license to rent out an SA van, get supplies from Thompson and drive them back to the group to prepare for an event. This was the break I felt I needed to turn my luck around!
Well, of course, I was looking forward to making some new friends so much that I had neglected to pay much attention to the weather. I was so focused on getting back to the group quickly that I thought, “Hey, it would be so much quicker to park the van on the grass RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR then I can be back in a flash.”
Yeah, well, that was about as good an idea as it was for my Uncle Steve to fall for that all-expenses-paid vacation he had won . . . even though he never entered. Everything seemed to be going to plan. The van was all loaded up and I was ready to show just how reliant I can be to my new found friends. But then . . .
I got stuck.
Writing this down was very therapeutic, not that I believe in that psychology-hippie-weirdo-talk-about-your-feelings-crap. Fortunately, the people at The Leader are really nice, and I hope they will have me again to update you all on my adventures.