ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Scallywag
Monday, Feb. 26, 2018
A student took a nasty spill while walking through a puddle. UP arrested the water in question and the judicial officer sent a statement saying action would be taken, heavily implying expulsion might be the end result. The case has since been frozen.
A girl was ticketed for an open container on campus. When asked for a statement she said, “It’s Friday night somewhere, right?”
Tuesday, Feb 27, 2018
One student was caught smoking on campus. Daren the D.A.R.E. lion fell from the sky and drop kicked the student unconscious. Before leaving, multiple witnesses reported him saying, “I am sick of all of you lying little shits.” An investigation is still underway.
Wednesday, Feb 28, 2018
An unattended backpack was found in University Commons. Upon further investigation, UP found it to be full of smaller backpack purses which were all filled with even smaller backpacks. UP is still unpacking bags, although some have been found to only contain a single chocolate candy bar.
Thursday, March 1, 2018
A contrabass tuba was politely speaking in a higher register to his conductor. However, two hours later, the tuba was arrested after being found speaking in a pedal tone, which the conductor referred to as “Unfathomable. I didn’t know what he was trying to tell me, and he was rumbling all the while.”
Wildlife was seen fleeing south in unusually large groups, with foxes giving rabbits and squirrels a ride on their back as they migrated. The cause is still unknown.
Friday, March 2, 2018
A box of coconuts was stolen from Cranston Marche, which surprisingly had coconuts even though we are in a temperate zone. Horse clops could be heard throughout campus, and a strange scent of elderberries could be smelled. The thieves have yet to be found.
UP was called on the trees in front of the science center after multiple attempts from various students to build a snowman resulted in the immediate breaking of a branch directly overhead and the snowman being destroyed. UP came to the conclusion that “the campus must not like snowmen.” A new investigation is underway in conjunction with the science department to determine if the Fredonia campus is indeed a sentient being or not.
Saturday, March 3, 2018
A hot dog was found on a table in the Williams Center. The Westminster Kennel Club came to determine that the dog was not actually “hot.”