JACLYN SPIEZIA
Staff Scallywag
When children started speaking out after the Parkland mass shooting, including recently at the March for Our Lives, lawmakers were concerned that young children had well-formed opinions.
“Just because people lost family members and friends due to gun violence doesn’t mean they have the right to be upset about how easily accessible guns are. Gun violence has been around since Jesus’ time, but back then it was just called stoning. It happens,” said one religious lawmaker.
“Yes, it was a mass shooting, but tell me what that has to do with guns,” said a lawmaker with an assault rifle in his back pocket. “In fact, seeing those unarmed and peaceful protestors all upset made me feel a little bit uneasy. I almost pulled out my AR15, just in case.”
Another lawmaker said, “Why are they upset with us? We do nothing all the time! You know, the thought of people fighting for their lives is scary to those of us in office who haven’t fought at all for our lives!”
Some lawmakers even tried claiming that the people at the march were all just crisis actors.
“Those children are being trained like dogs, spewing out these ridiculous accounts of ‘gun violence’ when what really happened was just another fed up, oppressed white male protecting himself against bullies,” commented one woman.
“How can children know anything about gun violence? Shouldn’t they just be in school? It’s not like they’d experience gun violence there! They are just crisis actors, people!” said a man with a fresh check from the NRA.
When asked why they might be crisis actors, one lawmaker said, “I don’t understand why people could ever be upset about the easy accessibility of assault rifles, which are protective weapons, especially when instating a ban would be much harder than just finding every possible crazy person in this country of 250 million people and making sure they can’t get guns.”
“We have decided that the best way to help is through inaction,” said one politician.
However, the so-called crisis actors are calling lawmakers out.
“Since this tactic of ‘inaction’ has been in use, the number of deaths of school children from mass shootings since 2012 have surpassed the number of overseas casualties of veterans in combat since 2001,” said the crisis actors/Parkland survivors/game changers. “Maybe we can just trade locations, and the issue will be solved.”