NICHOLAS NIHILIST
Staff Nihilist
Dear nihilist,
My girlfriend is constantly controlling every aspect of my life. Like, at first it was small favors here and there, and I didn’t mind. That was five years ago and now I am hiding in a closet, pretending that I am looking for a pair of lost headphones just so I can write this to you. I don’t know who I am anymore. How do I ask for more freedom?
Thanks for the advice!
~Not Your Ken Doll
Dear Not Your Ken Doll,
I can see how someone in your predicament would see this as a negative thing. However, this seems to be one of the best things that could happen to an individual ever! In a universe where nothing matters, wasting your time and energy aspiring to do anything or be anyone is just that — a waste! If anything, I suggest that you make a list of all of the little freedoms you have left and immediately forfeit them to her. You’re welcome!
Dear nihilist,
I am extremely fearful of death, to the point that I do not go outside anymore. I am able to do all of my working and shopping from the comfort of my own home. The solitary confinement is starting to get to me, though, as I feel myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole of psychosis. I need this to end but the thought of all of the hazards in the world ripping me away from this rock has me immobile and torn. What do you suggest?
~Not Crazy, Just A Little Unwell
Dear Matchbox Twenty,
I am sorry to see the royalties are not pouring in as they once did in the early 2000s. Aside from that, I suggest that you embrace your fear of death! It is such a gift to see all of the true possibilities that you could be put out of this fleeting existence that ultimately will have been for nothing. We are all hurling uncontrollably towards death anyway, like a ball waiting to be knocked right the hell out of the park. You have the rare and sought after ability to see the many ways in which you could be a fast ball, so to speak.
Dear nihilist,
I have been tasked with making a fictitious advice column for my school paper, for which I channel your column in a humorous way, but after delving deep into your thought process I no longer see a point in anything. I seem to be more concerned with wondering how it is you do this week after week when I can no longer seem to pull myself together to finish one column. I also wanted to say you have done great work. Not that it matters, but I regard you as the Moses of advice columnists, clearing the path of all distractions and leading to the hallowed grounds of nothingness. If nihilism had deities, you would be at the top, right next to Jesus Christ and Ghandi.
~Great Value Nietzsche
Dear pretentious hipster scum,
I am sorry for whatever school made the horrible decision to allow you to write for them. You have tapped into my psyche with the same success as the Hindenburg. In a universe in which I know nothing matters, I still find myself caring about hating you. Based on this revelation I have learned that there might be some merit behind wasting time to care about things like morals and religion, and the more I think about it the more I hate that I was born without being consulted first. The only advice I can give you is to look into the book “Nietzsche For Beginners” and to never write me back ever again.