EMMA PATTERSON
Editor of The Scallion
Monday, March 26, 2018
1:25 p.m. Jimmy John, 19, was detained by University Police after complaints of him shouting multiple unpopular opinions spread across campus. He was last heard yelling, “‘Cars 2’ rocked my world, and here’s why” as UP took him away.
3:52 p.m. The cast of “Spring Awakening” was fined $50 per student for dancing and singing in the nude outside Maytum Hall. They were discovered to be regular college seniors in need of a damn break.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
12:00 a.m. A disturbance was reported on the thirteenth floor of Reed Library involving loud banging noises, strangled wailing and heavy footsteps. When UP investigated, they were shocked to discover that … THERE IS NO THIRTEENTH FLOOR?!?!
2:16 p.m. A tree outside Nixon Hall was put under house arrest for yelling obscenities at innocent students walking by. The tree was discovered to house a number of pissed-off squirrels who want revenge on whoever puked on their beloved home last Friday night.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
10:45 a.m. Jackson Stewart, 22, was fined $100 for unnecessary pretension when his in-class presentation was deemed more confusing than the seminal television program “A Pup Named Scooby Doo.”
12:22 p.m. UP followed up on complaints of loud chanting and organized aggression in the middle of campus. They discovered that it was really just the line to get into Tim Hortons.
Thursday, March 29, 2018
12:15 a.m. UP responded to yelling, cursing and backwards Latin coming from the basement of Jewett Hall. Upon investigation, it was revealed to be a group of seniors, trying desperately to “exorcise the stupid” out of their brains in time for finals/graduation.
Friday, March 30, 2018
1:48 a.m. Bradwick Pennington, 21, was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct in downtown Fredonia. He probably drives a neon green Hummer and drinks copious amounts of light beer just to regurgitate thirty minutes later while shouting “bro” and “you know I had to do it to ‘em” at the top of his lungs, but we’re just guessing.
Saturday, March 31, 2018
11:32 p.m. Nicky Flippers, 20, was detained by UP due to complaints of him hopping around campus in a matted and yellowed bunny suit and generally being a real creeper. He was released, however, because the police “can’t arrest people for being creepy” (“Hoodwinked,” 2005).
Sunday, April 1, 2018
12:30 a.m. University Police responded to a disturbance in the University Police office early Sunday morning. Multiple officers were found curled up in fetal positions, muttering incoherently about ghosts, squirrels and naked college students. “We can’t keep running around campus like this, exposing ourselves to stupidity and potential demonic possessions all because these students need a damn break,” one officer was quoted as saying. “We just need these students to graduate already!”