DOM MAGISTRO
Guest Scallywag
Starbucks released its new Protein Blended Cold Brew last month, and the results could not have been better for the corporation.
Gym rats and hipsters alike took to the streets, some waiting in lines longer than the gym rats could throw the hipsters. And now, in a moment as surprising and iconic as “Stick to the Status Quo,” hipsters have been spotted lifting weights at the gym and so-called “bros” have been wearing flannel and growing out their beards.
I only hope the musical theater majors don’t start mingling with the exercise science majors.
Kirk Donaldson took a moment from his rigorous gym routine to weigh in on the issue. “I haven’t seen Bradley in a hot minute. I bet he’s getting his powder fix at ‘Bucks,” said Donaldson.
Bradley had no intention of returning to the gym, claiming, “I’ve had enough of the gym life; the humidity in there is bad for my skin. I only wish they made one of those, uh, Frat-uccinos, you know, so I can represent my brothers in Delta Chi.”
Bradley was sporting a red flannel with overalls and his usually clean-shaven face was showing off a lumberjack-style beard.
“I’ve been drinking this secret menu item from Starbucks recently, you’ve probably never heard of the Protein Blended Cold Brew, it’s made with real cacao,” remarked Mish Fitz, hipster liaison to The Scallion. After mentioning this article, Mish scoffed in disgust and threw his drink in the nearest recycling bin, reusable straw and all.
Daisy Chein, after specifically requesting I mention she had knowledge of this drink well before I did, said she loves the cold brew because she doesn’t have to rush to drink it before it’s cool; it’s already there.
Marcus Torres, local hipster was caught getting his fill of plant-based protein without his Google Glass. He commented on his most recent diet change.
“The keto diet is like the best thing to gas me up for my evening lift with Brody and Erin, but this protein cold brew tastes so much better,” said Torres.
I intended to catch up with Marcus for a follow-up interview, but he said he was too busy putting his flannel and beard to work and splitting wood for residents of Fredonia.
The drink is made with almond milk or real cacao and blended with slow-steeped, cold-brew coffee. A grande (16 ounces) is $5.95 at only 270 easily-burnable calories.