JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Guest Scallywag
The Scallion has brought the finest news articles to Fredonia students for hundreds of years. Many students, however, don’t realize that roughly 50 percent of articles from the Scallion are fabricated. The other 50 percent occur when a writer of The Leader has an anger fit and hits their laptop keyboard repeatedly.
Marty Flamboozler, 20, a recent transfer from SUNY Oswego, was reportedly panicking after he read a number of Scallion articles, and actually believed them.
“I read that one from a while ago about Gen Z arriving on campus, about how computer screens are going to be installed in all showers, and I freaked out,” Flamboozler told reporters. “I don’t want that creepy janitor watching me shower.”
This is the 56th case of a student believing the articles since the start of the semester.
President Virginia Horvath has already expressed her concerns, stating at a press conference: “I’ve already had six different students ask me about the construction of a parking garage where Houghton Hall was. I’m getting tired of explaining that it’s all satirical. I’ve had to explain to at least three different students now that Hal Scallion is not on life support, nor are they a real person. If Hal was real, I would’ve pulled the plug by now.”
In the middle of this angry rant the President was having, she also yelled out “And these fake quotes! The goddamn writers keep quoting me as if I actually say things! No, I’m not giving my job to an ambitious freshman, damn it! Don’t you understand? It’s all a farce!”
Security was forced to drag President Horvath away from the podium.
Flamboozler continues to believe articles from The Scallion, saying, “I have a feeling that people who tell me it’s fake are just messing with me. It’s pretty obvious that The Leader itself is all satiric, and the only true articles are the ones in The Scallion. I mean c’mon, there’s no debt crisis going on here, that was made up for laughs!”
If you or a loved one have ever believed an article written in the Scallion, send us an email about it so we can laugh at you or said loved one. Contact us at leader@fredonia.edu today!