DOM MAGISTRO
Guest Scallywag
Following his address at the recent United Nations meeting, Trump has announced his resignation from his position. The reaction wasn’t the one he was hoping for, but that’s okay. Trump plans to start in New York City and fund his own tour using his own political escapades and time as a WWE announcer as the basis for his material.
“Mike Pence is a very good man — it’s true! He’ll be fine leading the country. Not as good as me. I don’t think anyone is going to be — or was ever as good as me, for that matter. I’m hilarious, I’m going to headline so many comedy clubs. I’m starting with Radio City Music Hall. I’ve hosted SNL, I’ve seen all the Netflix specials, I’m gonna be huge. I’ll be the funniest comedian in terms of laughter.”
An anonymous writer has leaked two of Trump’s newest jokes:
“Listen, listen. My administration was the best. You can’t say we were stuck in the old ways, I had a woman for education. I had a black guy for housing and urban development. We were very progressive. Very progressive. I mean it. We didn’t stagnate, kept switching it up. I mean, I had a new FBI Director each month.”
“There was no foreign involvement in my election. China, Russia, Korea, they all endorsed me, that’s it. I mean, fair, Russia did create a potion to resurrect voters for my election, but if they came back to life to vote for me, then that’s their business. I don’t take responsibility for my zombie army. I had no idea they were doing it at the time, and as Nixon, a great man said, I am not a crook.”
“Hurricanes are a big deal people — a huge deal. It’s very important to make sure survivors know we care. That’s why I went there with plenty of Bounty paper towels. I needed to soak up all the rain water. The people of Puerto Rico were in no shape to deal with it themselves. I saw it myself. Those thousands of people were going crazy dying from lack of medical attention. It’s not my fault the hospitals were broken. I can’t do anything about it. A tragedy it is. Lazy hospitals killed those people, not the storm.”
I reached out to John Mulaney, a current big name in comedy, for a response as well as a gauge on how well Trump’s career will go. Mulaney’s response: “The horse is doing WHAT?!”