JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Staff Scallywag
In 1787, at the birth of the American Constitution, the following words were written.
“Dressing as yourself for Halloween is the most egregious sin viable in our free-spirited country. I, Thomas Jefferson, will personally kill any man who dares commit this offence.”
This piece of legislation has been a major talking point of many debates in the modern age. Republicans have taken the stance to allow Thomas Jefferson to crawl out of his grave and kill the offender, while Democrats have made it a point to arrest the person and shoo Jefferson back into his grave.
This issue came to a head this weekend when a local student, who wishes not to be named, was arrested by the University Police for attempting to attend a Halloween party dressed as himself. Police arrested the student before Jefferson could reach Fredonia.
The student recently told reporters “I don’t know why everyone keeps saying I dressed as myself. I put on some fake glasses and I’ve been holding a sign up that says ‘loser’ on it. I thought it was pretty clear I’m supposed to be a loser.”
Craig Mistworthy, 19, was present at the party. He told reporters “Yeah this total loser came in. We all had these great costumes, and the loser was just himself. I was dressed as Meryl Streep from ‘Mamma Mia 2’, so you know I had ABBA blasting all night.”
Mistworthy called the police as soon as he saw the loser.
“Ugauhuguhauguhuagh?” Jefferson’s reincarnated molding body reported to the Scallion. “uuhuGUHUGHUHuhuhuguhughuaaag!!” Jefferson will be pressing charges, and will be representing himself in court against the student.
“I feel like the police were the real heroes tonight though,” Mistworthy said, “One of them was dressed as a police officer; it was really funny.”