BRIAN CECALA
Staff Scallywag
By all known laws of biology, a shrimp should not have the ability to fry rice.
Yet when I heard rumors around the campus of not one, but multiple local establishments selling shrimp fried rice I knew I had to get the scoop.
What I was about to uncover was bigger than I could have imagined.
For purposes of my safety, the exceedingly handsome and smart editors at The Leader and those around me, I have chosen to censor the names and establishments involved.
First, I went down to [REDACTED], an Asian-style restaurant on the main strip known for its delicious noodles and tea that tastes like Boba Fett or something.
I scanned their menu looking for the unusual treat of rice that has been fried personally by a decapod crustacean.
To my surprise, not only did I find they offered it, but they also offered rice that has been fried by a CHICKEN?
When the kind lady taking my order asked for my choice I asked her “So… you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” I pointed to the picture on the menu. She laughed, but I didn’t get an answer, so I asked again: “You’re telling me… that a shrimp fried this rice and you give it to me and I eat it?”
Her laughing stopped. Her face was emotionless and she stared at me unblinking. We stood in each other’s silence, the palpable tension sweating down our faces.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to,” she finally said.
What did she mean by this?
But before I could even start to retort, she had quickly picked up a hot bowl of ramen and threw it in my face. The delicious noodles that I had once enjoyed now burning my flesh and causing immense pain. Through the oily burning, I see her running to the back in a sprint.
I yelled, “You can’t hide anything from me! I’m a respected journalist for The Scallion!”
I burst through the doors to see the lady trying to shove a chicken into her jacket. In the clutches of the chicken is a spatula. All over the kitchen are various other animals cooking meals.
A cow was arranging some sushi rolls, a fish was kneading dough for noodles and yes, a shrimp was frying some rice.
I asked the shrimp, “What’s going on here?”
He told me the long history of animals being forced to make food for restaurants. To save money, restaurants around the world have been hiring more animals to cook the food because the federal minimum wage for animals is $3.21.
How can you help? How can you be an ally to shrimp frying rice everywhere?
Anytime you see “shrimp fried rice” on a menu, you ask the waiter: “You telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” If they say yes, you immediately start chanting: “No justice! No peace! Not till crustaceans get their equal piece!”
I freed Jonathan the Shrimp and his animal friends from their oppressive labor and they opened their own restaurant in New York City named “The Olive Garden.” A heartwarming tale for these animals indeed.
Unfortunately, Fredonia still allows the exploitation of animal workers.
This means [REDACTED] can still sell their teas shaped like Star Wars characters.
Join the fight to unite for what’s right; raise the animal minimum wage to a livable $5 an hour.