JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Assistant Editor of the Scallion
On the opening Friday night performance of “Anything Goes,” the audience was disappointed to see the part where white people impersonated Asian people was still left in. According to reporters present, the audience let out a collective “ewwwww” type noise.
According to members of the cast, “We cut out as much as we could. Unfortunately, it’s shockingly necessary for the plot. It’s almost like Cole Porter forced his 1920’s racist humor on us.”
Johnny Racist, local racist and asshole in residence, stated “Yeah I support this.”
A sophomore student, Pole Corter, is planning on writing his own musical that takes place on a boat, except his story will not include a racist part.
“As funny as it is to mock Asians, (which is not at all) I think it would be better if we mocked white people in some way. I mean, c’mon guys. We’re assholes,” Corter said. “My new musical is like ‘Anything Goes’ but not two and a half hours long and really boring. Imagine ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ but Thanos dances. That’s what my musical is like.”
Cole Porter, rolling in his grave, finally left it and came to speak to Scallion reporters.
“I’m not racist! I’m buddies with an Asian guy. Promise. That means I physically can’t be racist!”