HANNAH BLIDY
Staff Scallywag
aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a whole storage unit full of stinky poo poo farts. what the heck! where did all these farts come from? you’re so gassy and poopy! stinky little fart baby.
taurus: you are like a little frog. good job being a frog. frogs are my favorite animal. they have little tiny frog hands that are sticky with frog stuff. here is a fun fact about frogs: they are small but also they can be big sometimes! isn’t that a fun fact? i have a pillow pet frog, and his name is freddy. i also have two more frog stuffed animals, and their names are philippe and pierre. guess why i named them that! actually you don’t have to guess i’ll tell you! i’m a french major! i know you’re not interested in french, so i’ll just tell scorpio about that.
gemini: i don’t know many gemini’s in my real actual life. there is one that i know, and he’s great. a good friend that i can always depend on. one time, this gemini friend helped me get my car when it was stuck in some mud. isn’t that nice of him? he’s a great guy. but also i have another gemini friend, but they aren’t as cool as the first one that i mentioned. they are so mean! they always steal my favorite snacks, one of which is goldfish. you know, the snack that smiles back! i love those little guys so much. they’re yummy and they make me happy! but my gemini friend keeps stealing them from me. i buy the big box and next thing i know, it’s empty! what the heck, am i right? i try to enjoy as many as i can get before they steal them away, but sometimes i only get one or two. it makes me sad, but i guess that’s what i get for buying such a big box.
cancer: you’re the kinda person that gets grossed out by the word moist. it’s just a word, why do you care so much? there are a lot more weird words in the english language, and i bet you all the money in my bank account (8 dollars and 76 cents to be exact) that there are even weirder words in other languages. sometimes there are words in other languages that don’t exist in english. did you know that? i’m gonna bet you didn’t, because you’re too focused on the word moist.
leo: i’m wondering what your favorite drink is. something about you makes me think that it’s iced coffee. i love iced coffee, and hate hot coffee. it makes me very sweaty when i drink iced coffee. does it do that to you, i’m wondering? that’s why i only drink iced coffee. lately, thats the only thing i’ve been drinking. not even water. i have been surviving nearly 4 years only drinking iced coffee. it’s the only liquid thats been in my system for 4 whole entire years. my poops are ridiculous, but it has been making sure that i poop every single day. it’s healthy to poop every day! so really, you could say that i’m even healthier than i was before i stopped drinking water.
virgo: you are so small. it’s incredible. i’ve never seen anything like it before. minuscule, one might say. i’m wondering how you got this small. it’s really quite astonishing. do you have to ask people to help you get things from the cupboards? what am i thinking, of course you do! you’re too small to reach up there! are your meals as small as you are? i mean, i don’t think you’d be able to handle something that was big, for example, an orange. you’re just too small! how the heck did you get so small like that? honestly, it’s a little ridiculous. why don’t you just get bigger, huh? why can’t you be normal like the rest of us? Freak.
libra: F*CK!!!!!
scorpio: so, as i was saying to taurus, i’m a french major. isn’t that cool! i’m like the coolest guy i know. i love speaking french, writing french, even reading french! did you know that french was once the most important language in the world? nobility and governments around the world would use french to discuss important topics like taxes. taxes are annoying in my opinion, however if they are used correctly (i.e. giving me a puzzle piece every 6 months) they can be good for society. if the government doesn’t give my my puzzle pieces, how the heck am i supposed to finish my puzzles? hm? answer me that joe biden! do you even know how long it’s taking me to finish this puzzle? maybe if you gave me my pieces at more regular intervals, perhaps 1 piece every month i could finish it a lot faster. this puzzle means a lot to me, so if you could, joe, please give me more puzzle pieces
sagittarius: i bet u eat aries’ farts. every time they fart you’re like, please, let me put a straw in your ass and suck up all those poopy fart smells. you’re so stinky! why are you like that? why do you love stinky poo poo farts so much? i bet it’s because you’re a stinky little fart eater. you love whenever someone farts in class, i bet you can even smell it through the zoom camera. zoom zoom, lemme smell your farts. (that was my impression of you. let me know if that was a good one. feel free to email me your thoughts.)
capricorn: you are filled with spite and everyone knows it. though, often times, we all get filled with spite. depending on what happens in our lives, something could really get under our skin. for example, recently my buddy said to me, “hey you! yeah you! i’m gonna tell you this thing you won’t like and you’re just gonna have to deal with it, you stupid idiot.” so, out of spite, i wrote my friend a really long letter, one that i know that they won’t read, and at the end of it i left a clue. what was the clue, you ask? the clue is in here somewhere…. hold on i think i lost it. i guess they’ll never know what the clue is. but i’m sure it’s around here somewhere.
aquarius: please answer me about hanging out thanks (this is directly towards someone specific if you’re not that person don’t text me). anyway, when we hangout next (and that’s if you ever answer me) (please answer me i miss you) (do you miss me?) maybe we can go to the subway that’s in Walmart for some reason. why it’s there i’ll never know. honestly, i don’t think i want to know why it’s there. subways are a cryptic space and i’m scared of them. last time i went to a subway i died. isn’t that crazy? maybe i’ll tell you that story if you ever answer me about hanging out.
pisces: mask? more like PASS, amiright? no i’m not please wear your mask. do you know how many people i see wearing their mask improperly or not at all these days? it’s a lot. i’ll count the next time i go to walmart. that’s the other thing; if you have to wear a mask when you walk into Walmart, why don’t you just keep it on? i see so many people get past the Walmart security people that stand at the door immediately just take their mask off as soon as they’re past the Subway that’s in there for some reason. if you already have the mask, just wear it you ding dong! it’s not that hard!