JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
I’ve noticed a trend going around on the Twitters and the TikToks. I’m giving you a warning now: it’s a little disturbing. It’s called… “Eat the rich.” I think they’re referring to Jeff Bezos, since he is… the rich.
I’m here to give my opinion on that since I see a LOT OF HATE on Jeff Bezos, who is simply a rich guy.
Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO of Amazon, which is a rainforest, so let’s be a little more gentle with how we talk about him.
He does a LOT for his workers! In that rainforest, a bunch of people are working hard and they’re in nature, so it’s super good for their lungs. Fresh air is definitely the best for them.
Sir Bezos knows what he’s doing, and the workers are totally loving it. I’ve not heard a single complaint from them, and if you have, then that’s fake or they’re just sensitive. Obviously.
Before I continue talking about how cool Jeff Bezos is, let me tell you a story about my rich friend who bought me an Xbox. They’re rich because their parents had money, whose parents had money, whose parents had money. They saved up, so it’s totally valid and if you save up you can do that too. Anyone can.
Anyways, they gave me an Xbox one day out of nowhere and I was super shocked. Having rich friends totally pays off. The conversation went a little like this:
“You want an Xbox?”
“Yes.”
“Cool. I have one I don’t use anymore because I got a newer better one and that old one does nothing for me anymore. Have fun.”
“Sick.”
By the way, it works.
Point is, Jeff Bezos can do the same for you. If you’re nice to him, he will realize we are all his friends. He will give you things too, like that Xbox. What kind of video games do you think Jeff Bezos plays? Better yet, we can all play video games with Jeff Bezos and we don’t have to eat him to have fun. I promise.
Wait, he lives in a rainforest. I actually don’t know how much internet access the rainforest gets. Even better, if we become his friends, he can get us plane tickets to visit him in the rainforest and play Xbox games with him surrounded by nature. I think that’s a pretty aesthetic, and we aren’t eating him, which would be really mean. If he gives us enough money, maybe we could all have Xboxes in the rainforest and play separate games. We could even convince him to give Xboxes to his workers in the rainforest.
But we definitely shouldn’t use him for his money because he’s a person, too. Right? Like, he’s living and breathing. I think he has feelings, like us. I’m 90 percent sure about that. So, trust me on this. He isn’t some money-hungry rich man who uses people as almost free labor.
Of course not. He’s just like us, but he has a bunch of money that he could end world hunger with. He just decides not to because EVERYONE needs to put in the work to end world hunger, which is why I’m giving up all of my money to ending world hunger. I bet Jeff Bezos will see that and give me money back. 🙂