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[SATIRE] Chris Pine announces MasterClass on managing the most obnoxious people you know

MATTHEW BAUM

Scallion Editor

Chris Pine photograph by Gage Skidmore from Flickr. Chalkboard graphic by Mohamed Hassan from Pixaby.

Chris Pine, the celebrated actor featured in the newest Olivia Wilde film “Don’t Worry Darling” has just announced that he is teaming up with MasterClass to teach subscribers how to avoid wasting one’s time with the most miserable people on the planet. 

Pop culture experts believe that it is because of the madness that ensued with the making of and press junket following the premiere of the film that inspired Pine to take up this project.

Pine, a mainstay of Hollywood and the most interesting millionaire named Chris, has had more than enough experience with the maintenance of his own mental health when surrounded by petty toddlers and insolent pop icons. 

It is believed that at this year’s Venice Film Festival screening of his latest film, British music sensation Harry Styles, who also starred in the film, spit into Pine’s lap whilst taking a seat next to him. Why Styles was cast in a film that made itself out to be a suspense thriller with little to no acting experience before that point is anybody’s guess, but the image of a music star acting so poorly to lovable acting staple Chris Pine is evidence of the need of such training that Pine is willing to provide. 

MasterClass’ statement on the new class said it was “geared toward everyday people who find themselves rolling their eyes at the obnoxious behavior of the people they can’t tell off,” and that anyone who finds themselves “sympathetic to the problems Pine is trying to resolve” can call a toll-free number to get in touch with a licenced behavioral therapist. 

There are six chapters revealed as of now, and two of the episode titles have been leaked online, namely “4: You’re Not the Problem, Keep it That Way” and “5: Tussling with the Twittersphere.”

In a press release promoting the upcoming Dungeons and Dragons movie, Pine spoke on the project, saying that, “It’s an important skill that many people would benefit from learning, and it’s certainly helped me in the past. I mean, look at me, huh? You don’t stay in a job out here unless you can block out the … annoyances that cross your path.”

Early reviews of the MasterClass say nothing but good things, with one commenter posting, “The thing about these lessons is that they feel like they’re lessons, you know?” That comment had over 6,000 responses, mostly from outraged Harry Styles fans, so it’s clear that the lessons are coming to good use. 

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