MATTHEW BAUM
Scallion Editor
As it turns out, crabs have a tremendous sense of humor.
Last week, reports had shown that there was a shortage of over two billion Alaskan snow crabs when compared to expected numbers based on population projections. Be it a sign of overfishing, a devastating loss to the fight against the effects of climate change or a combination of the two, there would have been severe consequences for not only the marine biome that the species calls its home, but the greater ecosystem as a whole.
But no need to worry! The crabs were just hiding!
One crab, who has come forward as the representative of the group, assured her translator that their decision to hide out in the vast forests of Alaska was not a decision of malice.
“She said it was a collective choice, like they all voted on where they would all hide and how they would go about scuttling away from hunters that came close,” explained Zaria Blinsky, the Head Crab’s interpreter. “The communication skills that these crabs have is obviously higher than the average, so something must have happened to push them to work so well together.”
Even more fascinating is their reasoning behind this choice. This was not an accident, and it was not for any life saving purposes; this was a prank pulled by billions of life forms at once.
“They duped us!” Blinsky continued with tears in her eyes. “They made a plan, and they executed it! I no longer feel bad about driving my Hummer to this interview! The planet’s fine! I actually think we should throw more chemicals into the water we drink and the air we breathe! What’s the worst that can happen?”
The Head Crab, who has no name, later revealed in a press interview that this was only the first in a long line of hilarious jokes that the crab population will perform on humanity. Rumors report that there has been talk of conquering Albania, and others claim that the crabs plan on establishing a church that preaches the miracle of carcinisation, or the practice of evolving traits that eventually would create similar but unrelated breeds of crab-like beings. Both of those options are hilarious.
Nobody can say with certainty the way crabs have been able to adapt and learn such complicated themes such as comedy and linguistics. They are free-range crabs, after all. But since nobody has an answer, the general consensus is to play it cool until the crabs take one too many liberties with their newfound collective intelligence and punish their misstep with extreme prejudice. Until then, however, the funny little crabs and their silly little jokes may carry on as they please, and may our species remain kind neighbors at the shore.