DOM MAGISTRO
Assistant Scallion Editor
Mr. C:
It is with a heavy heart I respond to your letter calling us here at the Scallion “crass and inappropriate and altogether inaccurate.”
Here at the Scallion, we strive to be accurate above all else. That is why I would like to meet with you to clarify the services we provide here. My response to you will be reasonably brief and tackle your main points.
You wrote: “50% of all issues of The Leader have had an article about Willie C’s.”
That is patently untrue.
At the time we received this letter (shortly after issue five), only two of our issues had articles about you.
That’s 40%, you misinformed miscreant.
As a result, we published two more, and now 57% of our issues have had articles about Willie C’s. As an editor committed to publishing the truth, I am shocked and appalled that your PR department would be so inaccurate in your letter.
You wrote: “Our chicken is made to order and does not sit out for hours prior to being purchased.”
To that I say our articles are satirical in nature and designed to spark a conversation. If it were not a noticeable problem, it would not be in our articles. Your gross mistreatment of chicken and inefficient system have caused many students to receive cold chicken and get to class late, sometimes missing class entirely.
You wrote: “The negative PR has caused a marked decrease in sales at Willie C’s.”
I disagree. Doing my own research, I have found that Willie C’s slow system and weird fall break hours have made it not only harder for students to get food, but the food quality has decreased as well. This is, as I am sure you are aware, your own damn fault. So do not blame your consequences on our reporting. We are journalists, not media influencers.
Lastly, you wrote: “If you don’t like us, keep our names and our food out of your mouth.”
I had no intention whatsoever of putting day-old chicken wings in my mouth. Trust me, I am perfectly fine refusing to eat in a basement. But I am committed to the truth and correcting the issues I see on campus. We here at the Scallion will take it upon ourselves to lambast you every week until I can order a sub and have it come to me in less than 30 minutes.
Yours faithfully,
Hal Scallion