JACE JACOBS
Former Assistant Editor of The Scallion, “Adult” with a “Job” who “Has To Go To Work”
What’s up Fredonians?
I bet you thought you had seen the last of me, with my incredibly well-crafted, tear-stained Letter from the Desk Of and my gorgeous final horoscopes.
WELL GUESS WHAT!
MY BEST FRIEND IS STILL THE EDITOR OF THE SCALLION!
YOU COULDN’T GET RID OF ME IF YOU TRIED!!
I’m sorry, that got a little heated… I’m just really happy to be back, despite being in a time crunch to write these horoscopes. (I am writing them at my job where I am employed. Shoutout Geva Theatre. I love you girl.)
Since I am “old” and “wise” and “employed,” I am here to provide the signs with my predictions of what they will be when they grow up … aka what job they’ll find after they graduate. Keep reading to find out what the stars have in store for you!
Aries – Unemployed with a Degree in ???
Hey, it’s alright, buddy! You’ve got that fighting spirit in you, but it isn’t great to rely on that in the professional world… As Chappell Roan once said, good luck, babe. No one knows what your degree is actually in (probably including you), but I suppose being an international person of mystery could potentially pay the bills? Once you find out, please get in contact and let me know, because that seems like a very fun career path.
Taurus – Unemployed with Massive Amounts of Debt
So, as a Taurus who is just starting their career, it took me a month of job-searching just to find a part-time gig in my chosen field. I consider myself lucky because I know so many others who are still job-hunting to find something even remotely similar to what their degree is in! Word to the wise: do not open up a credit card unless you can pay it off. It will do nothing for your credit score if you don’t pay it off.
Gemini – Unemployed with a Degree in the Arts
Geminis are known for being creative, and as I have said to several friends… don’t work in the arts. It is incredibly rough to find work out here. But hey, freelancing and commissions are always an option! Maybe start a Patreon for your art? Online work is still work, if you catch my drift.
Cancer – Unemployed but In-Tune With Your Emotions
Hey, that’s a great quality to have! Very adult, very mature… Emotional intelligence definitely counts for something, I think? Or at least it does in my eyes. But maybe you shouldn’t place your value on what other people think, I don’t know.
Leo – Unemployed but Looking For Hot Open Positions In Your Area
Leos, I’m going to level with you. A lot of Leos have done me dirty. A lot of Leos are close friends of mine. But there is one common denominator: being open and looking. Take that how you will. Y’all are a bunch of spitfires with so much passion and energy to share, and hopefully, a job will come as easily for you as other… things… do.
Virgo – Unemployed and Upset About It
Virgos have big feelings, it is just a fact of life. Most Virgos, in my professional experience, tend to be free-spirits and like to pretend everything just rolls right off their backs. But y’all have so many feelings, and sadness is just one of them! It’s okay to be stressed about searching for a job; it is quite literally one of the worst things to ever be created in the world ever.
Libra – Unemployed and Generally Fine With It
Listen, is it a major bummer being unemployed? Yes. Have Libras accepted that it is simply a fact of life? Most likely. You’re kind, with a great head on your shoulders and a big heart, but you’re a realist. You know what you signed up for by pursuing higher education and/or just by being alive, and I respect you for it.
Scorpio – Unemployed and Waiting For The Right Moment to Strike
Scorpios are fierce, like big jungle cats, stalking their prey in the shadows (the prey in question being jobs in their field). Once the right opportunity crosses your path, Scorpio, you’ll POUNCE… No one will ever see it coming, and subsequently, you’ll be able to tell everyone who has ever doubted you to kick rocks.
Sagittarius – Unemployed with A Lot of Friends
As one of the friendliest of the signs, Sagittariuses (Sagittari? I don’t know, I don’t go here anymore) are great at making and keeping connections. Don’t confuse this for networking, because that’s not what they’re doing. They’re just… being friendly. And if that helps them to a job… well, we all better take notes, I guess.
Capricorn – Unemployed and ENRAGED
Although Taurus is seen as one of the most stubborn signs, Capricorns are right up there. These individuals tend to have a lot of self-discipline and self-inflicted high standards. I see Capricorns begrudgingly moving back home with their parents, devoting several hours a day to job hunting and still getting zero bites, causing a fury like we mere mortals have never seen before.
Aquarius – Unemployed but Finding The Time To Help Their Friends Find Jobs
Hey Aquarians, I love you, but I’ve gotta be honest with you — it isn’t a crime to put yourself first. I know, I know! You love your friends and you keep seeing gigs that would be perfect for them! But take some time to focus on yourself! And before you say it, I know. The volunteer work you somehow have found yourself taking the time for is more fulfilling than any job you could have, but you don’t have to say that. No one will judge you for wanting money, girl.
Pisces – Unemployed with a Degree in TheatreHey girl, welcome to the club! <3 If you survive your summer stock gigs, be warned — it is real rough out here. It doesn’t matter if you’re a performer, designer, administrator (that’s what I do) or anything else, it is just… real rough out here to get paid for your skills. And yes, I am absolutely only saying Pisces would get a theater degree because y’all are usually characterized as being over-dramatic. Sorry, but I am not immune to playing into stereotypes. Love y’all though! Kisses!