UNIVERSITY POLICE DEPARTMENT
SUNY Fredonia
The Police Notters, run and shared with The Leader by the University Police Department (UPD), aims to provide information to students, faculty and the community at and around SUNY Fredonia. All information provided is not true and is satire. The Police Notters will not continue every issue unless, of course, everyone loves it.
March 11: At 2:45 a.m., a visibly worried student called UP due to concerns about a large group of students. Upon investigation, UP discovered 15 freshmen gathered in a circle, swinging their lanyards with multiple different keychains on them. UP arrested all of them for cult-like activity. Thank God.
March 17: A report was made after someone heard sobbing from a closet in the Williams Center. Upon arriving at said closet, UP found Freddy the Blue Devil, sobbing his eyes out after losing the Mascot Madness Contest. Next to Freddy was a red dragon whose head was cut off with a sentence written on the floor reading, “Till Next Time Red Dragon.”
March 18: Five theatre students were arrested for disorderly conduct. UP arrived at the scene in Mason Hall and witnessed the students expressing their love for the new live-action Snow White movie. One student claimed that “this was the best live-action Disney movie, better than Beauty and the Beast.” According to several UP officers, “everyone has an opinion, but their opinion is just wrong.”
March 21: A call was made to UP after a group of students came across a suspiciously heavy box outside of Kasling Hall. Upon further investigation, the box contained 12 bottles of tequila. According to a statement made by UP, they don’t know who left the box but are working diligently on the case.
March 24: A call was made to UP by a staff member at Reed Library. According to the staff member, students were fighting over tables and chairs since all of them were taken. Upon further investigation, the cause of the fight was because “we have to lock in.”
A caller outside of Gregory Hall reported that a belligerent squirrel was preventing him from unlocking his bike from the bike rack. The caller said he knew nothing about it, but he wanted officers to know “what kind of squirrels are running about campus.” UPD received a call from a student in Nixon Hall who stated that they smelled something funny in their dorm room last night and were concerned. When asked what the source of the smell might be, the student believed that it might be their roommate.
March 25: UPD received a report of squirrels wandering in a pack through Mason Hall. Officers responded, and several attempts were made to corral and capture the trespassing rodents, but they then disappeared into the vents, sporadically emerging from the vent access, assailing officers with acorns stored within Mason Hall itself. No arrests have been made at this time, but the investigation is continuing.
March 26: At an unidentified location on campus, two unnamed students told UPD that they were assaulted in some way by an unspecified number of assailants on their way back to their dorm from an unspecified campus building, perhaps sustaining unspecified injuries or none at all. No further details at this time.
March 29: Residents of Chautauqua Hall report a man across the way stands at his dorm window in UC for hours looking out at Chautauqua Hall. UPD responded, and officers identified the subject as a cardboard cutout of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.