JACE JACOBS
Former Assistant Editor of The Scallion, Semi-Professional Onion Researcher
Good morrow, my dearest Fredonians!
In the wise words of the greatest poet of our generation, guess who’s back, back, back, back again? (Spoiler alert: it’s me)
In honor of The Scallion takeover of The Leader (which I have been referring to as “Oops! All Scallion”), I figured I should bring my A-game, with the stinkiest, smelliest, best-tasting horoscopes I could bring you.
Thus, I present: What kind of onion is your sign? I hope you feel seen, heard and perhaps even inspired to cook!
Aries
The Humble White Onion
Much like the white onion, Aries are known to be both bold and versatile. You know the right time to stand out and make your mark, while knowing how to get along with others well. Although the white onion may seem common, you are anything but, Aries!
Taurus
The Impervious Scallion
I mean, duh. The current editor of The Scallion is a Taurus. I’m a Taurus. It was simply meant to be, there are no other reasons for this. (P.S. If you’ve never tried macaroni and cheese topped with bacon and chopped scallions … highly recommend)
Gemini
The Transcendent Yellow Onion
Similarly to Aries and the white onion, Gemini and the yellow onion are known for their versatility. However, you both take a milder approach, and are more go-with-the-flow, taking on the flavor of the environment around you and adding just enough of your own flavor to bring everything around you together.
Cancer
The Demure Pearl Onion
Cancers are known for having a strong sense of family and home. Pearl onions forever remind me of home because they came in one of my mom’s favorite pre-packaged meals from Wegmans, which ties together two of the things I love the most: my mom and Western NY. Congratulations, your sign is now associated with Wegmans forever!
Leo
The Charming Torpedo Onion
Leos are frequently described as being charming and charismatic, and the torpedo onion fits the same description. With its gorgeous purple color, it knows how to light up any room and any dish. I highly recommend looking up torpedo onions because they’re genuinely really pretty (just like Leos) and apparently good grilled. Could be a new fun thing to try!
Virgo
The Beloved Red Onion
Red onions know what they’re about — being sweet, and fitting themselves in as the finishing details of any dish. Virgos are much the same, knowing that kindness is one of their greatest strengths, and knowing that they can help in any area they apply themselves to. Virgos are the red onion on the cheeseburger of life.
Libra
La Bella Cipolla Cipollini
AKA The Beautiful Cipollini Onion. These onions hail from Italy, and have been described as charming, just like Libras. It makes sense for Libras to be a foreign onion, because they’re also described as being diplomatic. Additionally, these onions are sweet and can really bring together a dish, just like Libras can bring people together!
Scorpio
The Petite Shallot
Despite their small size, shallots are potent, and can pack quite the punch. Scorpios provide the same kind of intensity in their own life, and take everything super seriously just like I think a shallot would if it were a person.
Sagittarius
The Mysterious Allium Rouyi
As a sign that appreciates a good adventure, trying to find the allium rouyi would be a great challenge for any Sagittarius interested in it. There are less than 300 documented specimens of this Spanish plant, and much like Sags, the plant requires very specific circumstances to thrive.
Capricorn
The Patient Walla Walla Sweet Onion
Patience is a virtue, and while Capricorns can appreciate that, their patience is all set towards reaching their long-term goals. Walla walla sweets understand that mindset, because they put all their time and energy towards their long term goal, which is, you know, growing. These onions take 90 to 120 days to grow, which is wild.
Aquarius
The Gorgeous Blush Onion
Aquarians are focused on innovation, and moving life forward. Blush onions are much the same, because they’re a hybrid! A cross between yellow and red onions, these pink beauties are just like Aquarians — innovative and sweet!
Pisces
The Sweet Candy Onion
This one sounds weird, but hear me out. Candy onions are like Pisces, because they’re sweet but resilient. Although they can thrive in many different environments, they’re reliable no matter what, and provide the perfect balance of sharp and sweet. If you have a green thumb and like to cook, Pisces, give these onions a shot! Apparently they’re pretty easy to grow!