MORGAN BROWN
Asst. Business Manager
this year.
Graphic by SAFFRON LARREA | Staff Artist
It has come to the attention of our writing staff that Fredonia has ceased to source any students for the upcoming 2025-2026 academic year.
May 1, known nationwide as Decision Day, will be a special occasion for us — we’ll be celebrating our first clean sweep: zero seniors choosing us. Pop the champagne!
We’ve been advised by campus tour guides that prospective students are simply “not a fan” of our campus or atmosphere.
There have also been several instances of current Fredonia students “harassing and taunting” tour groups when they are passed on the sidewalks.
“I feel like an animal in the zoo when they look at me like that,” confessed an upperclassman.
University Police has not released an official statement about these situations, but has advised all touring seniors to “be cautious” when interacting with any Fredonian.
Admissions has taken additional measures to attempt to increase commitment rates, but to no avail.
Interested students were given complimentary Cranston Marché meal vouchers with each tour, with the hope that it would sway their decision. This, however, failed when the same students were seen fleeing from the dining hall in immediate need of a bathroom.
With this semester being so close to ending, the current faculty is scrambling to find literally any student to come here next year.
Rumors of a 100% acceptance rate are swirling around social media, many noting that Fredonia can’t afford to let these students go without a yes.
“I really don’t want to lose my job!” said a worried resident assistant, currently working in a freshman-only building. “Who will I be assisting? There won’t be any students!”
Any current students who know of graduating high school seniors in need of higher education have been advised to contact the Admissions Department immediately.
Additionally, new marketing techniques have been green-lit that involve a representative going door-to-door in search of someone, literally anyone, to come here next year.
Will Fredonia fail to produce a new Class of 2029? Only time will tell.