RYAN FINK
Special to the Leader
“Your major might get cut.”
That’s a line that a lot of people might be hearing when they walk through the campus of SUNY Fredonia, but the question on everyone’s minds is, “Why?”
Well, do I have the inside scoop for you.
Not only am I a consumer of all Fredonia knowledge, but I also know the REAL reason for program cuts, so read carefully.
If you are a freshman, you already have some of the inside scoop on why these cuts are happening.
They started at orientation, when one man, swathed in blue and dressed like a cowboy, walked onto the stage.
Did you ever find it odd that he would DELIBERATELY use the phrase, “Not Six Years, Not Seven Years, but FOUR Years” and then continue as if he didn’t know what he was doing by saying that?
Well, do I have a reveal for you… but you might not want to hear it… okay fine.
I will admit that the man had billions of bees in his hat.
I REPEAT, THE MAN HAD BILLIONS OF BEES IN HIS HAT.
And when he said, “Not Six Years, Not Seven Years, but FOUR Years,” he was ACTUALLY talking about the amount of years of bee production.
Here’s another odd question — so hold on, just hold on… you ever wonder why Jewett Hall is closed down? Huh??? WELL, DO I HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU.
HOLD ONTO YOUR BEES AND SQUIRRELS FOR THIS ONE… THEY MANUFACTURE THE BEES UNDER THE “ABANDONED” JEWETT HALL.
Speaking of squirrels… you ever wonder why there are so many squirrels on campus?
Well, am I about to blow your mind.
What if I told you that the multiverse is real?
Yes, the “many worlds” interpretation is a reality.
In fact, quantum immortality is a factual scientific theorem in which I have discovered to be a reality myself. Anyways, there are two universes, Universe A, and Universe B, and ALL the squirrels are in Universe A.
Universe B, (because I’ve been there), has NO squirrels, and in fact, all the squirrels from Universe B are in Universe A.
That’s why there is a higher likelihood of “Shiny Squirrels” (trademark copyright @ryfigaming 2025) at Fredonia.
I have one more thing to cover; this is just a small thing.
Word around the beehive is that SUNY Fredonia is about to announce a new program called “Squirrel Domestication,” a full four-year major.
And I’ll leave you with that… just think that over… think about it; you might find that you are seeing some more bees than usual.
You might look outside Cranston and say, “Huh, there are a lot of bees and squirrels.”
You may be wandering around and see a “Shiny Squirrel” (trademark copyright @ryfigaming 2025) and then see another “Shiny Squirrel” (trademark copyright @ryfigaming 2025), and wonder if it’s a little odd that there are more “Shiny Squirrels” (trademark copyright @ryfigaming 2025) on campus.
Thank you for reading.