RYAN FINK
Special to the Leader
SUNY Fredonia has a wide variety of residential halls throughout campus.
We have buildings like Kasling and Grissom, the suite styles.
We have University Commons and Gregory, the first-class living, and we have the townhouses, the billionaire life on campus.
However, there are two areas on campus that could be considered the “Slums of Fredonia,” and those would be Chautauqua and Nixon.
These two buildings are well-known for the fact that they are freshman-only buildings, how nasty they are and how much goes on in those buildings.
However, Nixon Hall, with its moniker “Nasty Nixon,” wants to speak up against this nickname, with some residents wanting to disprove the insult.
We spoke with several residents about life at Nixon, and here are some of their stories.
One resident lives on the first floor of Nixon and wants to make clear that the first floor is what they describe as, “Not as nasty as the other floors.” When asked for further elaboration, they said, “The second floor is probably the nastiest you can go, the first floor is kind of the best floor to be on.”
Then, the resident recalls one nice story. They said, “There was a clown upstairs at one point, I never saw the clown, but I sure saw the confetti. It was some kind of party upstairs. Good for them.” The resident then said that Nixon isn’t that nasty if you, in their words, “Stay away from Nixon.”
We spoke to another resident, who lives on the second floor. When asked if Nixon is, in fact, nasty, the resident said, “Not at all, in fact, the second floor has a pleasant aroma, it’s very earthy, I would consider it herbal in nature.”
The resident and the interviewer then saw a man dressed as Jesus on a scooter pass by, and when questioned, the resident said, “That’s normal.”
The resident then went on about the political ramifications of Fortnite in the current US climate, ending the rant with the phrase, “All in all, I love Fortnite.”
Then they went skipping and screaming about Fortnite as they ran down the hall and disappeared from view.
Our interviewer, who we will coin as “The Nixon-Nite” (trademark copyright @ryfigaming 2025), then made their way throughout the second floor of Nixon Hall.
They haven’t returned, and their last recorded sighting was in the common room closest to Cranston.
There was an event at Nixon that caused a series of reprimands to come to Nixon residents, in which an unknown person at Nixon flipped around every piece of furniture in one of the common rooms.
This caused almost every common room in Nixon (that wasn’t closed already) to be closed.
The person who did it has been unidentified – until now.
We have an exclusive interview with the individual who would like to be interviewed under the name “Splorgus Blormanvillager.”
When questioned and asked why, the resident said that the Hall was too “boring” and that it needed to be changed. He then confessed to a multitude of other events around Nixon, such as farting in every common room, setting off the smoke with said farts, and then immediately opening a side door at 9:01 p.m., creating a small black hole in the lobby, creating thingmabobs and doohickeys on the second-floor common room, and finally landing a helicopter on the roof of Nixon Hall.
Splorgus then stared at our interviewer and said, “The bees are coming, farewell,” as the bees swept him away into the sky.
We got one last interview, which we thought would be perfect to finish this article off.
We had one last interviewer to go onto the third floor, which they described as “No Man’s Land,” and encountered one person to interview.
When questioned, the Third Floor Nixon resident replied, “We’re not that nasty, sure there might be some Zyns on the wall, sure there might be some piss on the walls, and the floor, and the showers, and just about everywhere, sure there may or may not be a black hole that consumes students roaming around the hall, but in our hearts, we aren’t that nasty. Nixon is a community, and a good one at that, and we have connections that other halls don’t.
Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to domesticate a squirrel.”
Truly heartfelt stuff.
So, you see, Nixon is not as nasty as you may first think. So don’t judge a book by its piss-stained cover, judge it by its piss-stained character.
RyFi Out.