MATTHEW BAUM
Staff Scallywag
Ellie Hollis, a freshman theater production and design major, has reached a new low. Her hair, a neat green-blue at the end, has started to show its true dirty-blonde color. It’s been three weeks since she re-dyed her roots, and she’s about to lose it.
“I’m literally shaking,” said Hollis, literally shaking. “I can’t have people knowing my hair isn’t naturally teal! They’ll see I’m a fraud!”
There’s nobody who knows Hollis that has a problem with it, but her opinion cannot be swayed.
Things have gotten even worse because everyone’s favorite evil megacorporation ran out of her choice dye brand, FeirceFolicles, and another shipment won’t be until next Tuesday. The reason for the shortage is the upcoming exam week, which also coincides with yearly highs of ordered-in calzone delivery, all-night noise complaints and general whininess among the population of Fredonia. Students are getting into a sort of “panic mode,” a mindset where they find themselves absolutely incapable of self-confidence or adequate nourishment.
When asked about her thoughts on her upcoming exams, Hollis had this to say:
“I’ve got four finals, each on the same day, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to explode. First, I’m unprepared to take a test I’ve been preparing for since the beginning of the year, and now I can’t even hide my natural hair color to distract myself? This week keeps getting worse!”
Instead of dying her hair with a different hair brand or studying for her numerous tests, she decided to head over to a tattoo parlor and start a sleeve on her right arm. The main design inspiration is the deep sea, so there are tentacles sprawling from her elbow to her wrist and a school of sharks reaching around her shoulder.
This is a cautionary tale for everyone out there stressing about finals week. The answer isn’t to worry about them, or to cram before the dreadful day approaches, but to drastically and permanently change your appearance.