LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
So, your parents are coming to visit this weekend. They’re excited to see how their little scholar is doing out there in the wide world, and you do not want to disappoint. You want to show them that you’re doing well, you’ve got your act together and that there’s nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.
1. Go out to dinner. This is a time-honored classic in terms of Stuff to Do with Parents. And you happen to be in a unique position of expertise in this situation, because you – as a person who has to eat stuff sometime – are well-acquainted with the local eateries. You could take them to like, E.B.C. or something, but you’re an expert, and you know there are plenty of equally fine dining establishments in town that cost way less. Take your mom to Calio’s. Buy her a cookies-and-cream calzone or whatever. She’ll love it.
2. Show them your dorm room / apartment. Any parent is going to want to see where their child sleeps, eats and studies. It helps them sleep better at night to know their child is totally equipped with all the necessities: bed, desk, decent lighting, refrigerator, 45 beer cans in varying degrees of emptiness. Just do not under any circumstances let them open the closet. Because you’ve been watching a lot of Dexter recently, and closet is where you keep your Tools, isn’t it? Do not let them find your Tools. They wouldn’t understand. No one understands.
3. Do some of the official on-campus activities. Just kidding. Don’t do that. Those things are lame as heck.
4. Take them out on the town. If your parents went to college, then being on a college campus probably triggers a lot of nostalgia for the days when they themselves were in college. Do your folks a favor and let them relive the experience. Take your mom to Sunny’s! Take your dad to Sunny’s! They’ll admire the thriftiness you display by frequenting a bar where you can get so drunk for so little money.
5. Ask them for money. I mean, if it’s true millennials are going to be the first generation of Americans to not financially outstrip their parents, then surely your dad can spare a fifty or two. It’ll probably warm your parents’ hearts to know their baby isn’t all growed up just yet. Probably.