COLIN PERRY
Special to the Lampoon
The recently-opened Science Center at the heart of campus is being linked to an unprecedented amount of noise complaints and mysterious phenomena.
Fifteen reports have been filed to University Police in the last week alone that all claim instances of strange howls, spooky lights or Frankensteins walking around smashing things.
Additionally, high levels of lightning strikes, fiendish cackling and sinister, dramatic music cues have been reported in the area.
“I like to just walk around in there instead of going to Econ,” said junior English major Rob Carter. “Lately the vibes have just been weird. Doors kept opening and closing on their own, and a half-man, half-wolf chased me around for a little bit. I just get a weird feeling that I can’t quite place,” he said.
The University declined to comment on the matter, but anonymous sources with close ties to the new Science Center have confirmed that there is nothing out of the ordinary here at all. “The activities and experiments we do in the new facility are completely mundane, and nobody should be concerned,” said one source.
The anonymous source is asking, however, that if anybody locates a dirty shovel, the key to solving an ancient prophecy or a giant, angry zombie around campus to please bring them to the Science Center immediately