DOM MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
Fredonia, NY – Charles Watts was seen wearing a red hat with the famous slogan “Make America Great Again” printed in large block letters on it around campus. Watts walked confidently across campus Thursday morning, alone.
Known to be a very social person and rarely, if ever, separated from at least one friend, Watts’ solitude was heard loud and clear. No one on the local campus wants to associate with anyone who could even remotely be interpreted as supporting Trump.
Even eating at Willy C’s was a chore for poor Watts. His food took an extra long time to be prepared (a whole 20 minutes longer than normal!) and patrons threw garbage at him at regular intervals. One patron was cited as saying “that guy is a real jerk.”
Now, my friend, what sort of reporter would I be if I didn’t do my due diligence and have a conversation with the poor, malodorous lad? That would be appalling, almost as repulsive as the smell of body odor wafting off of poor Watts. I tell you, dear reader, as I approached the lion’s den of Cheetos and NRA bumper stickers, I could hear Fox News blasting from Watts’ dorm room.
“Don’t worry bro, it’s just a social experiment. I wanted to see who would let something so dumb like what lying politician we like get between us. It’s really like Marvel and DC movies, bro. We like what we like and one is clearly superior, but it has no effect on what we’re like. I’m a nice guy!” said Watts.
Immediately, the smell of body odor became tolerable, perhaps even pleasant. I felt my heart racing and Watt’s patchy neckbeard became something alluring. The way it accented his jaw as he slurred out “it’s just an experiment to see who’s really my friend” drove me crazy.
Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else, I am here to tell you without a doubt in my mind that Charlie Watts is in fact very attractive, not a Trump supporter, and perhaps even going to vote blue no matter who. This is excellent news for anyone with a blind date with him later this week as this blind date will in fact not cause you to go blind.