ANITA TENSION
Special to The Lampoon
“Sometimes all you want to do is just get on your board and go, you know?”
These are the words of a Fredonia longboarder, known simply as the “Fastest Longboarder” because he rides his longboard so fast. Estimates place his average velocity somewhere between “very” and “super” fast. He goes faster than all the other longboarders, who are slower than him, because he is the fastest.
He even goes too fast for anyone to see what he looks like. The Fastest Longboarder is familiar to most Fredonians only as a sudden blast of wind, a cloud of settling dust and leaves, and the rapidly receding sound of clattering wheels and a Doppler effected shout of Wa-hoo. (It is Dopplered because the longboarder is very fast — so fast, in fact, that one time a police officer told him to slow down, which meant that the police officer thought he was going too fast, which was crazy because police cars are fast but not as fast as the Fastest Longboarder, who outpaces even trains, so very supremely fast is he.)
Sophomore and other, inferior longboarder Ryan Lenz, 20, told the Lampoon that the Fastest Longboarder is “indisputably faster than anything else in this town, and probably the state, and maybe even in Pennsylvania, too,” adding that he was “definitely faster than most cars without even trying a little.”
Indeed, all of Fredonia’s longboarders agree that the Fastest Longboarder is the speediest dude in all the land. Many attest to his ability to outstrip deer, racehorses and even cheetahs. His consistently and insanely high speeds have earned him many nicknames, including “King of Longboarding,” “King of Going Really Fast” and
“King of Going Really Fast on a Longboard.”
Because he is so fast, women adore him and his ability to go really fast all the time. They love the way he is faster than the other longboarders. But he can’t ever truly love any of these women, because he is married to the game (i.e. the game of going exponentially faster on his longboard than anyone else goes on theirs).
Also, the unsurpassed Fastest Longboarder is given money and all the trappings of a divinely-selected king, on account of the superlative speed with which he rides his longboard.
President Virginia Horvath has announced that the Fastest Longboarder can literally just have his degree whenever he wants it.