MATTHEW BAUM
Staff Scallywag
The Super Bowl is a massive sporting event, with its annual viewers consisting of football fans, chicken wing dip fans, loud noise fans and a seemingly overwhelming number of live performance experts. The most popular musicians are invited to take the football world by storm for about a week, because the dudebros that watch it get to have a negative opinion about everything that isn’t the ol’ pigskin.
This most recent halftime show has faced some backlash due to the content displayed by world-renowned Latina musician/actresses Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. The content in question is, despite the confusion displayed by some, the physical forms of aforementioned world-renowned Latina musician/actresses Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.
“Whoa, these women have BODIES? And they’re showing them OFF? Witchcraft!” Some were heard saying.
For those who are unfamiliar with the annual mockery of the lyrical intermission provided for free from a number of top-tier performers, this outcry would seem ridiculous, but everyone who’s gone around the Super Bowl block would know that this is all too familiar.
In an attempt to stop the masses from making a habit of meming the hell out of the Super Bowl halftime show, the NFL Halftime Committee has decided to announce next year’s performers early, which is a shame, because this attempt to quell the internet trolls has only made them stronger.
It was announced that John Leguizamo and Casey Affleck have been chosen to be the singers between the second and third quarters of the Big Game 2021. That’s right, Ben Affleck’s less-famous brother and the guy who played Sid the Sloth from the “Ice Age” franchise have signed on to sing next year at the Super Bowl.
It seems like everyone has the same opinion about this choice: they absolutely love it.
Kyle Van Fleet, a sophomore communication major with a snapback hat collection and a forearm tattoo of a tiger playing the electric guitar, said that the choice was a delightful change of pace.
“The problem with the past halftime shows is that they highlight the worst of people — the unrealistic body standards, the hyper-extravagance of the super-rich, all of it. And by having two c-list celebrities without any incredible features, those problems disappear,” said Van Fleet.
The whole world has decided that this is the way they want to go. Instead of having the best performers in the world doing the thing they do best, we’ve collectively decided that we would rather have a subpar performance from two people who peaked around 2007 to satisfy the uninterested music types who have to join the family for Sunday night football.
Good.
I’m glad this is the path we’ve chosen.