ANITA TENSION
Special to the Lampoon
Aries: The problem is both bigger and more severe than you think it is. You can not prevent the impending disaster, only minimize the consequences.
Taurus: Someone you love is plotting against you. Sorry.
Gemini: Either you have eaten an expired food item in the last 24 hours, or you will eat an expired food item in the next 24 hours. Good luck.
Cancer: Two out of three major problems you run into this week will be of an upsettingly biological nature. One of these will involve something someone else ate.
Leo: You were feeling pretty good about the Keystone pipeline getting vetoed last week and the F.C.C.’s decision on net neutrality had you in pretty high spirits. Unfortunately, this week you’ll be vividly reminded that drone strikes have made Pakistani children fear the sky, and the delicate illusion of well-being you’d so painstakingly constructed will collapse.
Virgo: Somewhere in the bottom of your bag you will find the soft, blue-furred remains of what was once an orange
Libra: Virgo will trick you into putting your hand into their bag and touching the soft, blue-furred remains of what was once an orange. Your finger will puncture the soft, blue-furred remains of what was once an orange and inside it will be a viscous liquid mold.
Scorpio:. Libra will wipe their finger on a hoodie they borrowed from you, leaving behind a smear of viscous liquid mold they got on their finger from puncturing the soft, blue-furred remains, etc., etc.
Sagittarius: You will meet a vocal and antagonistic stranger whom all of your friends will, nonetheless, somehow
find extremely charming and attractive, and you’ll be consigned to interacting with this deeply unpleasant individual on an every day or every-other-day basis.
Capricorn: Your card will be declined next time you try to order something off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.
Aquarius: You will try to order something off the dollar menu at McDonald’s. Pisces: This week a very nasty man will say as many nasty things to you as you’re willing to hear him say.