PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Students returning to Fredonia this semester will realize a distinct difference at the Williams Center. While the pizza’s still mediocre, and the burgers are a little grey, the chicken tenders are no longer pink.
“We had to consolidate our menu items,” said Liz R. D’Lips, a senior business administration major and worker at Centre Pointe. “This meant using the frozen chickens we got from last winter.”
But people in Fredonia have noticed the change, and they’re not happy. The riots broke out last night, with signs that said “Rethink the Pink” and “Time for Slime.”
“It’s our right as citizens to love our pink slime chicken, and we deserve that chicken,” junior Don R. Enblitzen said. He started the hashtag “#pinkprint” and soon ran into legal trouble with Nicki Minaj.
By the morning, almost all protestors had gone. Certain rioters even called the movement “silly” and went home.
The question still remains: what happened to the pink slime?
“Well, we had about 40 buckets or so left of the stuff from last semester, so we just took it into the creek and left it there … for, like, bears or something,” D’Lips said.
I, of course, went to investigate. I went down to the creek in my stilettos and ankle-length evening gown to see if I could get an interview with these so-called “bears.”
By the time I found the tubs of pink slime, however, it was all gone — as were any bears. All that remained was the faint odor of old tuna and a couple teardrops, left by me.
As for the new chicken, it tastes pretty much the same. There’s a distinct “not-GMO” flavor, but other than that, it’s very tasty. I might go get some right now.