JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Scallion Editor
After a recent announcement from Campus Cryptic on their Instagram page, students are now aware that the school is pressing charges against Campus Cryptic for graffiti on a wall in the Rockefeller Arts Center.
Let us here at the Scallion be the first to say, thank God the school is using their valuable time and resources on this.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think that this criminal isn’t behind bars or paying thousands of dollars of legal fees.
Thank Christ that this hard criminal who only makes art to bring joy to the student body is being treated like the criminal they are.
[RELATED: Campus Cryptic responds to criminal charges]
We at the Scallion were very lucky to have an interview with Fredonia’s legal team who stated, “When we were notified of the offense, we were very happy to put down every sexual assault case — the boring jobs — and finally take on something interesting.”
Sounds like they’ve got their priorities straight!
We were also lucky to get an interview with the offender themself, the mysterious Campus Cryptic. The estranged youth was wearing saggy jeans, had a tattoo of the phrase “I’m a bad boy” and clearly needed some jail time.
“Don’t get me wrong, I did what they’re accusing me of, but is it really worth putting a student into thousands of dollars of debt over one mistake? I didn’t have any ill intent, I just tried to bring joy to others,” they said.
Tell it to the judge.
The lead lawyer on the prosecution, Mr. Johnny Grundlechin, had lots to say.
“It is important to Fredonia to let students know that we are NOT forgiving when it comes to one time offenses. If you slip up, even once, you are going to get your ass sued.”
Wow, thank God we have a school that really knows how to prove to us students they care about us.