MISSY FEOLA
Special to The Lampoon
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
- Do you feel like you’re being watched lately? Well, it’s because you are. You are currently starring in a spontaneous episode of Big Brother. SURPRISE!
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
- What’s that smell? Oh, that’s just an Aquarius. Oh, you’ve forgotten what a shower is? Do your suitemates a favor and go take a long bath in the creek. Also, consider carrying around car fresheners in your pocket to cover up the scent of your failure.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
- Sept. 30 is a day to be feared, my poor little Pisces. Beware of deceiving squirrels. They’ll lure you in with their furry charm and then, when you least expect it, they’ll break your fragile little heart into 2,000 nut-sized pieces. R.I.P.P (Rest in Pieces Pisces).
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
- HOT DAYUM. The stars have your sex appeal going through the roof this week. But quick! You better go to Sunny’s and get an STD while you can, before the stars decide you’re ugly again.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
- When life hands you graham cracker lattes, you do NOT pass that up. What’s wrong with you, you ungrateful Taurus? Drink the damn lattes; there are starving children in the world.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
- Take a visit to one of the mulberry trees around campus to get that silkworm bodywrap you’ve been wanting so badly. You KNOW you deserve it after all of that stressful Netflix binge-watching.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
- Look outside of your window. Is there snow on the ground? No? Then go outside and smell the roses you lazy piece of shit.
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
- A special gift is waiting for you at the creek. It rhymes with “glarijuana.” Go to it quick before another Leo gets there first.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 22)
- Go outside, collect some grass and keep it in a safe place. In a few months, when you’ve forgotten what the color green looks like, you will thank me. Virgos are prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
- For those reading this who are NOT libras: STEER CLEAR OF LIBRAS. They are going crazy this week. For those reading this who ARE libras: consider investing in some over-the-counter sedatives, your fellow Fredonians will thank you for it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 22)
- For the love of God. Stop. Eating. El Diablo cookies. Consider going to therapy. Your addiction is not healthy and has progressed since the semester has started. Stop before it’s too late.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
- Take the long way to your class in Fenton today. Ponder the meaning of life on your stroll. By the end of your walk you will have realized life is squirrels, and squirrels is life. See the squirrel; eat the squirrel; be the squirrel.