MATTHEW BAUM
Staff Scallywag
The students at Fredonia have been put through the weather wringer, with wind, waves and whiteout wreaking havoc on the commute from one end of campus to the other. To combat this stress, Jess Tuitt, the head of the university Department of Transportation, has set in motion a plan for more efficient transport for students.
During the winter months, the bus system that makes its route around campus will be replaced by teams of sled dogs, according to Tuitt. Then, as the weather gets warmer and the heaps of snow inevitably melt into water and flow down the street, the dogs will be given warm shelters, and a gondola will be utilized to get students from academic buildings to residences, and vice versa. Both of these units of transportation will be manned by the lovely drivers here at Fredonia, and they are currently in classes to become certified commercial gondoliers and dogsled drivers.
Tuitt, who was introduced as the head of Fredonia’s Department of Transportation eight years ago, said that she was waiting for an opportunity like last week’s weather to finally arise.
“I’m so glad that conditions have fluctuated so violently in the last several days,” she said when she was asked about her enthusiasm for the project. “I’ve wanted to replace the bus system since I first joined this lovely school, and all of my suggestions are more fuel-efficient and clean than the current system.”
Along with the dog sleds and gondolas, the bus route will change into an eight-seat bicycle route during the more temperate months, where if a student wants to catch a ride, they have to pedal to the metal. Not only will this be an easy and productive way to burn calories, but it will also provide a scenic view of up to seven other tired and bored students, as each seat faces into the middle of the vehicle.
Tuitt has also suggested a few alternatives to the transportation of students off campus as well. She has started speaking to the mayor of Fredonia about installing a massive ski-lift-style chair conveyor from the top of Maytum Hall to the Walmart parking lot if students ever need to get away from their stresses while also having three hours free in their schedules. Similarly, there are some early discussions about providing Segways students can sign out, for when they feel like cruising around the nearby towns in an especially ridiculous way.
It’s an exciting time to be a student without a car in Fredonia. Fingers are crossed that no tornadoes or hurricanes hit us anytime soon, because they may lead to paragliding and/or liferaft options to get from one place to another.