THE FEVER
Special to the Lampoon
We all know the story of werewolves being unleashed on full moons and opposing all things silver. But did you know that on blood moons, like the one two Sundays ago is when the weresquirrels emerge?
Since the super blood moon eclipse on Sept. 27, there have been increased reports of students being attacked by animals — specifically the squirrel — on campus. Yes, the cuddly critters we love to rave about are now transforming into bloodthirsty little beasts. With their strength gathered from the blood moon and their energy from the eclipse, the weresquirrel possesses power that is equal to that of the mythical werewolf, but with only a fraction of the size.
How can you tell a weresquirrel apart from an average squirrel? The Dunkirk Animal Control Department (DACD) has compiled a list. Here is how to be aware of this new threat looming in the trees, and what to do if things go sour:
- Just because they look innocent, don’t trust them. This is a hunting technique used to throw students off guard.
- Officially, there is no cure. For the time being, assume the worst from every squirrel.
- Have precautions; this includes carrying nuts for a distraction, and, in case the nuts don’t work, silver.
- Never approach a squirrel with glowing red eyes; that’s just a dead giveaway.
- Cashews seem to be the most effective as a distraction in drawing away a weresquirrel.
- Even with cashews, carry a variety, as not every type of nut has been tested yet.
- Never try to trap one. They are master escape artists, and their claws double as lockpicks.
- Always be aware of your surroundings, because you’ll never know when one will pounce from the trees.
DACD hopes this list will help you survive on your daily commutes, both on campus and off. Currently, there is only one confirmed repellant to the weresquirrel. If you want to know that repellant, refer to the first letter in each bullet point.