PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Since 1979, China’s one-child policy tilted the scales of birth. Some may say, “But Phyllis! There’s more than one child in China! That policy must not have been effective!” Those people, however, are misinformed. This one-child policy dictated that parents could have no more than one child.
In China, if a married couple disobeyed this law, they were subjected to fines of up to ¥15 ($850,000). This was upturned recently; now, Chinese parents are permitted to have a maximum of two children.
In order to keep up with the changing times, American officials thought it only right to establish their own child laws — effective immediately, each set of American parents must maintain 15 children through adulthood.
Kit Skalore, the U.S. Chair of Population and Babies, said “We’re behind the times. China’s been working on population control for over 30 years; it’s time our population does some controlling, too.”
Newlyweds are encouraged to get pregnant soon and stay pregnant for as long as possible. For the gay or infertile, there are options like adoption and kidnapping.
“I don’t want to let China keep having more people than us,” said new mom Poppy Nemmowt. “We’re already in so much debt, and I just want to do my duty as a citizen.”
For single mothers, the new “childcap” has been set at 7.5 — a happy medium which includes six normal children and one superhuman or morbidly obese child.
The federal government has released plans to help parents who receive a lower income. Some options include “getting another job,” “immigration reform to make more jobs available” and “bake sales.”
“I know we’re doing the right thing here,” Skalore said. “And on the plus side, television is in need of a replacement for TLC’s ‘19 Kids and Counting.’”