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[Satire] Class attendance is at an all-time low this semester

MATTHEW BAUM

Staff Scallywag

For some reason, there has been a serious drop in attendance in classes. Nowadays, it seems like nobody’s going to their classes anymore, myself included. I am guilty of missing class just as much as the next guy, but here’s my reasoning. 

I, for one, have been hearing talk about SUNY Fredonia turning to more online education, so I decided to get ahead of the curve. The last few weeks have been bizarre, because I wake up in the morning, and my schoolwork is on my desk, right beside my bed. I don’t have to go anywhere for any reason, so there are days when I don’t even leave my room! 

Another factor for me not leaving my bed is the allergies. When springtime rolls around, I can’t seem to avoid getting sick. Something about the change in temperature messes with me, and I always find myself in the throes of coughing, sneezing and congestion. This year has been especially brutal: I’ve found the best idea is to stay indoors and keep myself healthy.

Finally, I have decided to stay inside because I aim to set an example for the future. Why is it that we as a society haven’t upgraded our methods of learning for centuries? A car in the 1800s wasn’t even called a car; it was a carriage. A telephone from even 100 years ago is ridiculously primitive nowadays, and our phones in the present day have more processing power than the Apollo 11 computers. 

So much has evolved, but students still find themselves shuffling off to classes in person to sit at desks and carry on the preposterous habit of seating arrangements and acoustic pencils. 

As a sign of protest, I am no longer attending classes on campus. Actually, I wrote this article from the comfort of my own home, three hours away from Fredonia. My move, paired with the absences of a large number of the student body, should make a profound statement for the faculty of the university. Thank you all for standing with me in our efforts to push our educational standards into the 21st century.

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