EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Capricorn
Time to let loose, Capricorn. You have become tense because of your unwillingness to try something new. This week, relieve your stress by using your nondominant hand.
Aquarius
Rebellion is in your nature, Aquarius. Try using the other hand during alone time.
Pisces
Your indecisiveness is holding you back from great experiences. Close your eyes and point at a video on your browser to (rhymes with aftertaste) to.
Aries
Generosity is your greatest strength. Use your other hand this time. Give your dominant hand a break from all those fun, but exhausting trips down south.
Taurus
You’ve always been loyal. Never would you abandon your best friend, but sometimes you just have to get out and meet new people. You’ll find yourself having some great experiences with a new friend that you didn’t know was right beside you — your other hand.
Gemini
Those who criticize you for being two-faced don’t understand that life is always in a constant state of change. Continue to switch things up this week — try use your opposite hand for everything this week (yes, everything).
Cancer
You are a mystery, Cancer. On one hand, you are calm, strong and independent. On the other hand, you are emotional and need the support of others. You have two hands, so why not use both? If you catch the drift …
Leo
You are the most dominant sign. A natural-born leader. You have a tendency to play to your strengths and hide your weaknesses. It’s time to work on those weaknesses or they will become quite apparent. One of your forearms looks like Popeye’s and the other looks like Olive Oyl’s. I think you know what needs to be done.
Virgo
Stop analyzing so much. It’s porn, not George Orwell’s “1984.” Turn your brain off (and the lights, you idiot, — people can see through the window.)
Libra
You will struggle with loneliness this week while everyone else seems to be preoccupied. Seek out other Libras for a fun time!
Scorpio
You won’t get a hold of anyone this week, Scorpio. Don’t let your paranoia get to you. Definitely don’t show up at a friend’s place unannounced or you may see something you don’t want to see. Use this time to take care of your own needs that have been neglected far too long.
Sagittarius
Emotion is something you don’t understand. You will struggle this week because you have neglected your feelings for far too long. Love yourself — even through the tears. Don’t fight the tears — use them!