EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Finals week is approaching and for some of you, it can be the difference between barely squeaking by and failing miserably. Now is the time to get the engines running again for the home stretch.
To those remarkable scholars who have been nothing short of diligent all semester long: we hate salute you.
Fredonia’s semesterly De-stress for Success program began on Monday. The purpose of it is to ease students’ anxieties about finals week so that they may focus on exams with a clear, worry-free mind.
For you slackers, however, unwinding is just about the last thing you need to do. It’s time for you ne’er-do-wells to get off your hindquarters and study. Pick up the ol’ dusty $200 textbook — which hasn’t been opened since the second week of classes — and get to it!
You are the reason why Fredonia will be holding “Re-Stress for Success.” With anything less than a miracle as great as in “Coach Carter,” you loafers don’t stand a chance at passing your finals. So stress out, panic and whatever you do — don’t remain calm.
Here are some of the events set to take place on campus for “Re-stress for Success”:
Display of last year’s exam scores
Fear of failure is THE best motivator for success. To instigate this fear within you, your last year’s final grades will be posted all around Reed Library.
Countdown ‘til finals
Every hour students will get a text, a call and an email letting them know how much time they have until their next exam — as will their parents.
Tuition reminder
Student Accounts representatives will be travelling throughout campus, walking in and out of all buildings — even dorms — 24/7 to remind students how much they are paying to attend Fredonia.
Lock-in study-a-thon
Students will be locked in the McEwen Library, stripped of all communication devices and forced to study for 24-hour sessions. Sleep is not allowed — library staff will have air horns to ensure nobody gets any shut-eye. Food is not allowed, as it is a distraction, but coffee and Adderall will be supplied. All timekeeping devices will be banned and all windows will be covered so students aren’t distracted by the concept of time.
Enhanced interrogation
Professors will torture students who cannot answer course-related questions. Methods include but are not limited to: waterboarding, stretching on the rack and, of course, the Brazen Bull.
Happy studying!