RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
‘Tis the season to be jolly, and what’s more jolly than fat, bearded men accosting supermarket shoppers for spare change? They’re not the homeless or your extended, alcoholic family members on Christmas Eve; I’m talking about the one of many Santa Clauses we’ll see when we go home for break.
Around this time of the year, good ‘ol Saint Nick may be found outside of Walmart, Target, Payless or Chipotle ringing bells and asking for donations. While most wouldn’t think of donating even a passing glance to homeless veterans ringing bells in our faces, for some reason people feel comfortable donating to Carl, an arbitrary religious 47-year-old who decided to stand outside harassing strangers for eight hours at a time in the snow — all of the sake of Salvation Army and the Christian spirit.
“I always donate to the Santas,” said Wegmans shopper Missy Usofunds. “I heard that the organization doesn’t support the gays. What says ‘Love thy neighbor’ better than donating to my gay neighbors’ demise?”
This year, however, Santa has a new sleigh; instead of asking for change, they’re advocating for it.
According to www.queerty.com, “Andrew Craibe, media relations director for [Salvation Army] Australia, said gay people should be put to death” in 2012, most likely because of the outdated Christian faith’s stance that gays should be stoned to death.
In 2014, however, the organization, released new information that prevented discrimination of gay people in terms of employment, service, and purity, stating in its “Nondiscrimination Communications” that “The Salvation Army does not believe that the homosexual orientation is a sin.”
All was merry and well until, in February of 2015, “Queerty” released a Salvation Army document that declared “Leadership roles in denominational activities such as teaching or holding local officer roles require certain adherence to consistently held spiritual beliefs. This would apply to any conduct inconsistent with Salvation Army beliefs and would include same-sex sexual relationships.”
In response to this, the Santas are standing up. Some Santas even came out as being gay, saying that “ho-ho-ho” should be updated to “mo-ho-mos.”
“Everyone knows that us gays give the best presents,” said Christopher Kringle-Patrick-Harris, a new Salvation Army employee. “Last year, my husband bought me a pair of joggers with my name embroidered on the butt pocket and a $50 spa gift card. I can get my toes and brows done while looking cute to boot.”
The Santas have joined forces to yell at people about change in public, but this time, they’re talking about a different kind of change. They recently published a how-to book titled, “The Holla Days: A Gay Santa’s Guide to Giving.”
Many Santas have already started their advocacy work.
“When I yell at people from across the parking lot, I don’t ask them for change; I ask them to change,” said gay Walmart Santa Dustin E. “And usually, I’m not even talking about their clothes.
“I ring my rainbow jingler at them and they’re filled with the holy Homo spirit. Sometimes, when I see them walking out of Walmart, I can hear them singing show tunes and tracks from Barbra Streisand’s Christmas album. I know I had a part in that.”
So next time you see a pillow-stuffed Santa standing outside in the cold, shout “Yaas, momma. Sleigh it, momma,” while displaying jazz hands — because acceptance is the only change they’re looking for this year.