TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Assistant Lampoon Editor
As seen on TV, Martin Shkreli’s face is arguably now the most punchable one in the history of this country.
Shkreli met with Congress over charges of securities fraud, a charge entirely unrelated to the act of utter douchebaggery he committed late last year when he raised the price of an AIDS medication by nearly 5,000 percent.
Throughout the trial, Shkreli pleaded his Fifth Amendment rights and smirked the entire way through. With Congress practically pleading with him to change his ways, he gave a smug grin and dismissed nearly everything told to him by Congress as if it were a joke. With the conclusion of that trial, the world can unite to agree on one thing; his face is so punchable that even Ghandi would have wanted to take a swing.
The fact that people want to punch his face is universally recognized, with people making tweets and even going so far as the Huffington Post making a list of his nine most punchable faces
Everlast, a company that specializes in training equipment and fighting gear, has also taken note of the punchability of his face and is now considering putting his face on their new line of training equipment and using the funds from sales to raise money for AIDS awareness.
“In case it hasn’t been made abundantly clear, Martin Shkreli has become one of the most infamous people in our society,” began Neil Morton, the CEO of Everlast. “From one corporate head to another, he’s pretty much the reincarnation of Satan, except Satan would probably have been better.
“The chair and I have been talking about slapping his face onto our latest line of punching bags and fighting equipment, and using the funds to fight his atrocious act by funding AIDS awareness and financially supporting those suffering,” Morton continued.
Following the pitch, many professional fighters like Mike Tyson, John Cena and Randy Orton have shown support of the idea, with the latter of the three openly expressing his dislike of Shkreli.
“I will buy out Everlast’s entire stock if I have to,” began professional wrestler Randy Orton. “I want that man to fear the day I see him and RKO his ass into oblivion.”
Morton has made the announcement that a special Kickstarter fundraiser will be made and all the proceeds will go towards the production of these products. Once the required amount of donations is received, Shkreli’s sadistic grin would be placed on all future punching bags, speed bags and every other bag they offer as part of the campaign “Punch the Punk.”