GRIFFIN JONES
Special to The Lampoon
On Dec. 18, 2015, something happened — the likes of which the world has seen before: “Star Wars Episode IV: The Force Awakens” was re-released in American theaters to universal, unquestionable acclaim.
Fans turned out in droves, dressed head-to-toe in the same Chewbacca costume they wore during the original run of the film in 1977, to see the latest special edition of George Lucas’ sci-fi adventure.
By all accounts “The Force Awakens” is the greatest movie of all time. Not a single note of criticism exists anywhere in the immediate vicinity of anyone dressed like a storm trooper (which is remarkable for a story people have had decades to analyze). For being almost 40 years old, it can still draw a crowd as if it was a new entry in a beloved franchise that became a household name with an established fan base that would show up for anything with the brand name on it.
This bodes well for additions to the Star Wars cinematic universe, because it indicates that there is practically no risk to writing an original plot that doesn’t recycle old ideas to a legally dubious degree. Anticipation of the seventh film, scheduled for release in 2017, is already mounting.
When finally coaxed out of a dark corner of moody despair, totally non-descript My Chemical Romance fan and senior theatre major Kyle Renault spoke for many when he said, “This was great but I’m really looking forward to when they finally make ‘Episode VII.’”
However, even the greatest of films begin to show their age. So Walt Disney Pictures, recent acquisitor of Lucasfilm, brought in the man who soaks up all the praise for Star Wars to work his retrospective post-production magic once again. In a bid to appeal to a broader demographic, Lucas modified some features of the story.
Incredibly, according to a Disney correspondent who wished to remain nameless, this required no reshoots of any scenes due to the advancements in computer generated images. The famous “trench run” scene was left virtually untouched, aside from minor decorative details.
Fan reaction to the edits were approximately 99.9 percent positive, but one individual — who would only identify himself as the “Creator of The Universe” — managed to utter some criticism before a cacophony of rationalization drowned him out. The individual accused Disney of brainwashing audiences so that “they’ll accept any nonsense put in theaters.”
“This is seriously insane. I never realized what lengths fanboys were willing to go to to avoid the cognitive dissonance resulting from admitting they just payed money to see ‘Episode VII,’ but it was literally just the entire plot lifted from ‘A New Hope,’” the individual said. “I asked some guy how he could stand the blatant rip-off of the original film, and he just kept rocking back and forth, shaking his head repeating, ‘They had to do it to bring people back into the series.’”
This person was revealed to be mentally unstable and sent to Oregon State Hospital for treatment.
With this absolutely necessary, spruced up edition of the film that started it all, fans are full of speculation and wonder what is to come. One thing is certain, though: If you don’t like “Episode VII”when it finally comes out, you’re most likely a terrible person and not a real fan. Star Wars has always been about giving the audience exactly what history and tedious statistical projections indicate it wants without breaking their trust by trying anything remotely new. Get used to it.