PATRICK BENNETT
Special to the Lampoon
Students using Apple computers on campus will be pleasantly surprised to realize that their devices may be similar to that of CEO Tim Cook’s. The reason being that there are copious amounts of pornographic material on the hard drive.
In the midst of the FBI versus Apple war over the access of terrorist-operated iPhones, FBI officials decided to complete their own side-quest mission of finding dirt on Cook.
Chief of FBI Butch Zappa had this to say about the personal investigation he has been leading:
“Well, to be honest, we’re all a little salty that Cook is refusing to comply with our requests at gathering information from that dirtbag’s phone. When I spoke to Tim on the phone, I got the chills. It was as if a supernatural power was whispering in my ear telling me to get a search warrant for his house and eventually seize his laptop.”
Zappa’s supernatural intuition would later be confirmed as truth when the FBI searched through Cook’s Microsoft two-in-one tablet-laptop computer. What they found was a haunting amount of pornographic material ranging from softcore, to hardcore, to even multi-core processing systems for upcoming Apple products.
When FBI officials took a first glance at Cook’s desktop, they noticed folders titled “iDirty” and “iNasty.” These folders, which officials believed were upcoming products to be released by Apple, actually turned out to be the CEO’s personal collection of porn.
While digging deeper into Cook’s personal plethora of pornography, the FBI also found evidence that he has participated in the annual Santa Monica nude yoga competition, had crowd-surfed at Coachella, had pushed over a couple making-love in a porta-potty at Burning Man, and hides a dope kale salad recipe. These disgusting personal experiences were all taken from Cook’s entries in his personal blog he refers to as “Tim’s Dirty Diaries.”
“Even if Jesus were to come down from his holy throne in the clouds above, he wouldn’t be able to redeem this man’s soul,” said Zappa. “Every night my wife, children, dogs and I say a quick prayer at the dinner table for Mr. Cook and his sexual conquests.”
Before Steve Jobs passed away in Oct. 2011, many people asked who would take over the position of head honcho at Apple. The answer was Tim Cook, but no one really knew this guy. Cook graduated from renowned institutions such as Duke University and Auburn University and while there, garnered a serious repertoire of cases involving broken computers.
Cook’s old roommate, Darius Habassi, reached out to the Lampoon and recalled his experiences with Cook’s destructive habits.
“Tim was the kind of guy that everyone got along with,” he said. “He had this undeniable charm about him with insane leadership abilities. However, this guy could not control his pornographic impulses and practically corrupted every computer he ever touched.”
Habassi recalled one of the most serious cases that ever happened:
“We were playing hackey-sack in the quad when I heard this loud shriek. It was coming from my engineering professor’s office. At the time, he was the only faculty member with a computer, and it turns out Tim snuck into his office, hacked into the main data frame and attempted to watch eight bit pornography. It was totally whack and unexpected.”
He could not be reached for further questioning after a middle-aged mountain bike racing accident rendered him mute.
Apple’s newest device released was the Apple Watch, but after peeking into Cook’s computer, the FBI will continue to watch and monitor his activity.