EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
March 21 – April 19
Get ready to party, because you will win the lottery this week. You should probably set some of that cash aside to replace the car you crashed while scratching off the ticket.
April 20 – May 20
Whitney Houston will rise from the grave and ask you to sing at the resurrection. You’ll suddenly wake up to two big electrical paddles on your chest. It wasn’t a dream. You felt a tarantula in your shoe and died from terror.
May 21 – June 20
Focusing on your superficiality will work for your advantage this week. Your creepy ex who put ketchup on mac-n-cheese will be back. Now’s a good time to try that leopard print foundation you saved for a special occasion.
June 21 – July 22
You may feel lost this week. You may not know where to turn. That’s just because the snow plows aren’t out yet. Keep a bag of cat litter handy for when you accidentally park in a pile of snow on your front lawn.
July 23 – August 22
You will meet your future spouse at Sunny’s this weekend. No, not the person flirtatiously buying you limitless cocktails, but the kind, demure individual who lends you a shirt when you vomit all over yourself.
August 23 – September 22
Life right now may have you worried about the future, but keep your head up, Virgo. One of the 27 graduate schools you applied to should be impressed by your fancy research project.
September 23 – October 22
Remember that mixology class you aced? While concentrating on opening your own bar, you’ll forget to stock up on liquor. Improvise by grabbing a few items from the chemistry lab down the street. Find a good lawyer.
October 23 – November 21
This week, you will run late for your aqua aerobics class and realize you forgot to shave. But fear not — the staff will forget to treat the pool. It’s okay, though, because Werewolf legs have always kept the hookworms away.
November 22 – December 21
You’ve been thrown quite a few lemons in life for such a young age. Enjoy a nice fattening meal today; you deserve it. No seriously, lemons hurt and you’ll surely need the padding this week.
December 22 – January 19
That $600 fur coat you’ve worked months to afford was just shipped this morning. Congratulations! Now have a plastic dry-cleaning bag ready. Your family will be experiencing a massive head lice infestation fairly soon.
January 20 – February 18
You might feel smothered by darkness. It’s because you’ll fail that exam you studied your life away for and cope by crawling under your bed and crying for an hour. It’s O.K. You’re doing college right.
February 19 – March 20
You will feel an extraordinarily strong urge to achieve your goals, almost like you can barely sit still. That’s because your pants are on fire. You zoned out while standing too close to the stove.