JESSICA D’NONSENS
Trumpoonist
HOUSTON — We have a problem in America: All of our guns are being taken. Where are they going? If future C.E.O. of America Donald Trump plays his cards right — which he will — they’ll all be going to him.
A recent viral video shot by surveillance camera shows 10 masked men breaking into a Houston gun store and stealing multiple firearms. They tied the locked, gated front door to the back of a pick-up truck, and drove away with it, walking out with over 50 guns and ammunition.
Anti-gun activists were mortified and afraid that these guns may get into the hands of radical criminals who want to overthrow the government, threaten the lives of innocent civilians, and jeopardize American democracy by turning it to anarchy.
But it turns out we don’t have to worry about all that — the guns are all going to Trump.
“Let me tell you,” Trump said in an interview with FOX News, “it’s going to be great. It’ll be huge. I have a plan for these guns, and the American people — they’re gonna think it’s great.”
Trump has signified very vague aspects of his plan. Only few things are certain: they will be used to preserve the 2nd Amendment, and they will be used for protection. How they will do this is still unclear.
“I know what they say. I know,” he continued. “But we will use these guns to make America great again. We will. Yes, we will. Our plan will do it. I know how to do it. It will be great, just great.”
While Trump did not himself buy the guns or hire people to steal the guns, he did encourage a mass amount of his campaign supporters to get him all the guns they could find.
Leftist “dopes,” however, think Trump endangering lives and aiding in multiple felonies like this is delusional, but really, who would trust anyone protesting against the right for everyone in America to have guns?
“We have seen Trump mock the disabled, make a joke out of female menstruation, promise to deport ‘Mexican drug dealers and rapists,’ and refuse to condemn the KKK,” said Communist Sen. Bernie Sanders supporter Rita Fineprint. “But Trump still finds ways to stoop to new lows. This gun robbery has crossed the line entirely and put multiple lives in danger.”
A Change.org petition to make him admit the specifics of why he supports this robbery has 4,500 signatures — less than a quarter of the signatures the petition to make Hillary Clinton drop out of the race for the nomination received.
“He’s just doing what everybody else wants to do,” said Judd Deelwidded, a faithful Trump supporter and, from what I’ve heard, a really smart guy. “Our guns is our rights, and our rights is our liberties. When you try to take people’s liberties, what do you expect? We need our guns!”
Although Trump had the option to buy the guns legally, using his power to convince others to steal them for his campaign seemed like a more attention-grabbing idea.
“People don’t know how to take a joke anymore. That’s the problem with America. That’s why America needs to elect me. I have a plan that will make everything better, and I’m a funny guy,” Trump said.
If Trump’s clearly well-envisioned plan frightens you, you’re not alone — with big change comes big responsibility, and according to Trump, we need a big change to “make America great again.”