- Ravioli
Staff Lampoonist
A plot-twisting event leading up to the next presidential election was the recent Democratic debate where Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton were asked to discuss their views on gun control.
Sanders remarked that holding gun manufacturers accountable for gun-related crimes essentially equates to claiming that all gun production should be stopped, which he strongly disagrees with. With that, the NRA fell head over heels for the 74-year-old hoodrat and committed itself to supporting Sanders in every way possible.
In an earlier interview with Anderson Cooper, Sanders said, “Rifles are for men with small penises” and that, “Every single gun in this country should be confiscated and melted down to make Tony Awards.”
Members of the NRA quickly acted on this statement which they had earlier shrugged off as simple liberal bantering. Within hours after Sanders delivered his speech, every purchased gun in America was withdrawn from its owner and delivered straight to Sanders’s residence — courtesy of the NRA.
What many do not know is that Sanders is an avid metalsmith in his free time and plans on using his passion to create more job opportunities. For this reason, he has a small custom-built factory in his backyard in Vermont. He plans on expanding the factory in order to hire all new workers and use confiscated guns in order to make Tony Awards along with other decorations and trinkets.
While the idea may seem preposterous, the NRA has a markedly different take on it. Sanders’s proposition shows that everyone will benefit from his pioneering business. Gun manufacturers will provide a never-ending supply of metal and job growth will skyrocket, thereby providing struggling individuals with jobs.
Most importantly though, guns a.k.a. the “conservative male enhancement” manufacturers will never have the option to stop production. Sanders said it himself: He is against the prevention of gun production. He didn’t specify their newly intended use, though.
Sanders has stressed throughout his campaign that he is a man for the people and has shown that he is willing to look at an issue from every possible angle. It was only natural therefore, that he addressed the republican population in regards to their concerns over this bizarre new plan. He assured them that for every 100 new employees hire in the business, a Winchester 74 rifle will be up for auction at a randomly chosen BINGO hall.
Back at his home, Sanders can often be seen tinkering around with gadgets in his car or reliving his old welding days at Brooklyn College. A young interviewer visited him one day out of nothing but pure curiosity. He approached the house and was greeted by bubbling melted metal and the banging and pounding of a steel mill. Upon entering the humble setting he met Sanders and began his questioning.
“Senator Sanders,” he said, “everything you’ve done and said throughout your career suggests that you’re primarily against the use of guns.” He continued on for a while, discussing the bizarre approach Sanders was taking to please as many people as possible. Finally, he got to his concluding question:
“Mr. Sanders, why don’t you simply stop the production of guns all together?”
Without missing a beat, the white-haired progressive said “Ah, well you see young man …” He leaned in closer, smirked and with a raspy chuckle said, “Some guys just need a little more help to be a sharp shooter.”