G. Ravioli
Staff Lampoonist
As students flocked back to campus after their long-awaited Spring Break, they were left dumbfounded by what greeted them. As some of the quad-dwelling students were heading back to their dorms, they heard a strange chant coming from nearby — almost like that of Blue Swede’s “Hooked on a Feeling”— but not quite.
As they investigated further they realized that the noises were coming from the carcass that was once Erie Dining Hall. This obviously caused bewilderment among the crowd. An adventurous few took it upon themselves to peer in through the old, dusty windows.
What they saw was captivating in a quite-unsettling way. A large group of students were gathered in the long-deserted space focusing on a huge portrait of a young man. They seemed content but were clearly in some sort of trance.
At this point nearly every other student on campus had gotten word of the bizarre sighting and all gathered around in curiosity. Inquisitiveness had officially trumped any fear these witnesses had and several of them approached the door to Erie to enter and get a closer look.
Right upon entering, the door slammed shut behind them. They were immediately approached by the transfixed individuals. The curious intruders found it in them to ask who the man was in the picture. One mesmerized voice called out from the crowd “That there is Mr. Jimmy Igoe, spirit of Fredonia.”
Just like that, the outsiders had flashbacks to stories they heard of the former Fredonia student who’d drowned in Lake Erie. Another voice echoed from the crowd “yeah, who do you think shut the door behind you?” Eyes rolled as a few skeptics remembered the foolish tales they heard. Things like, “Oh yeah, his ghost comes by and tinkers with the water faucets and doors” and whatnot. Forty-some odd years, everybody pretends that’s not a cheap excuse for poor building maintenance but whatever.
Regardless, with part of the puzzle solved, a big question remained. Why on Earth were so many students behaving like this, and why now? The answer came in the form of a frothy green concoction getting passed around throughout the mass of people. Despite the obvious cult-like atmosphere, they were notably friendly to the newcomers and handed out enough of the elixir to go around.
The newbies didn’t want to be rude so they accepted the offering. Strangely, as they all noticed, it looked familiar. In fact, it looked identical to the famous shamrock shakes that were served in Willy C up until break started. Upon tasting however, something was off. One individual tried to discreetly discard the concoction when he discovered several empty absinthe bottles in the trash.
At this point, the issue was taken to the Faculty Student Association. it was there that an anxious looking employee confessed that shake sales were so high in the last week before break that they had run out of ingredients. Being Irish at heart, the employee decided to grab a new ingredient from her secret lunch break stash in order to stretch the supplies and keep production up. Every Igoe Hall resident that had come in contact with the beverage was hypnotized under the Ghost of Jimmy’s spell.
In light of these alluring events, the Fredonia community realized that campus can be a lonely place for its spirit residents during the holidays. Naturally, these beings needed to be recognized and appreciated more within the physical world. With that, BJ’s announced that every year for St. Patrick’s Day, the well known Grasshopper drink would be renamed “Jiminy’s Cricket.”