- RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
A long-appreciated quirk of Fredonia is its unpredictable weather, which never fails to keep students on their toes. But opinions change, and with a presumably inevitable flood on the way, students are implementing an ingenious plan to relocate to a calmer climate — they’re building a boat.
Western New York weather, from the perspectives of natives or long-time visitors, is a bit of a paradox. It’s unpredictable and frequently deceiving, yet everyone is well adapted and prepared for whatever may occur.
However, Fredonia’s high number of unaccustomed individuals from different hometowns tend to disagree. With charming little blizzards in early February along with random 75 degree spikes in March, the spontaneity is simply too much for some.
Now that April has come around and spring is — incredibly slowly — beginning to materialize, warm weather is increasing (eventually) and Fredonia knows what will come next: rainfall like the heavens have opened up (or a semi will crash into every existing fire hydrant). History never fails to repeat itself, and every time Fredonians naively begin to enjoy a rare warm, sunny day, a monsoon-like flood always ensues within the next 12 hours.
But students are no longer accepting the thought of caging themselves indoors. In fact, they can’t even stand the thought of living in Fredonia permanently. The only logical solution one could derive from this is for students to migrate to an area of more favorable weather. The chosen destination is the Dry Valleys of Antarctica where there is no rainfall to speak of. Even better, there is a human population of zero — the perfect blank slate for the adventurous students.
In preparation for this season’s heavy rainfall, the construction of a massive ship has begun in order to transport a lucky selection of students. It should be noted that while monsoon season is a burden to many, some individuals believe it is their duty to stay behind and represent true Fredonia students who enthusiastically brave the storm. Then there is the simple fact that a university is far from a trade school and that some people just don’t want to ride a boat built by philosophers and physicists.
You might be wondering who will be given the gift of travelling to the farthest corner of the globe. Well, since the goal is to maintain the Fredonia student body and simply keep it somewhere else, two students from each major in the school will be transported on the long journey. Once they arrive at the barren destination, they will fulfill their moral duties as proud Fredonians and populate this new land with their own progeny.
Meanwhile, historians and scientists are pondering what this future generation will live like in such a new place for humans. Theories had arisen that in time the Arctic Americans will come to worship the devil in tribute to their founding ancestors.