- RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
It’s that time of the year again for the beloved music majors. Thousands of hours of practicing, sleepless nights and steady diets of Starbucks and … whatever else they have time for … culminates into brilliant recitals and temporary imaginary relief from the year’s stresses.
The opposite was true for senior vocal performance major Josh Schreeks who, to his dismay, failed his hearing, thereby disqualifying him from graduating. While the faculty expected an emotional show of some sort, members were taken aback slightly by the extent of his despair.
Upon learning of his untimely failure, Schreeks fled from the room and ran sobbing down the hallways. He was seen heading for the third floor where the string students were practicing diligently. Upon questioning, one witness revealed that Schreeks did this to ensure he had plenty of sad violin music to fill the background.
“I wasn’t sure what was going on,” said violin performance major Leslie Ping-Morplane. “I heard these dramatic howls like something out of a horror movie, and I had no idea what to do.”
The unfortunate student’s cries could be heard echoing all throughout Mason Hall. Concern among the faculty grew high enough that security guards were called in to subdue the young man. When the guards showed up and asked where to find him, they were lead in the direction of Rosch Recital Hall.
They quickly realized that locating Schreeks was no issue, as they heard his increasingly operatic blubbering resonating through the hall. A passerby and fellow musician was asked to aide in the investigation of the cries and she identified them as a histrionic rendition of Leoncavallo’s “Vesti La Giubba.”
Despite some drama-induced lack of cooperation, Schreeks eventually stepped off of the stage and removed himself from the recital hall at the patient request of the guards and his (now former) professors. The relief was short lived, however, and Schreeks made a run for the practice rooms, again sobbing like a maniacal chimpanzee.
The guards chased Schreeks yet again through the building and nearly caught up with him. They tried to ambush the student who was, at this point, sitting at a piano crying out whatever sad aria came to mind. The guards almost had him until he slammed the key cover on one of the guard’s hands and took off, laughing this time.
“I hope that kid knows that he has to pay for my medical expenses,” said security guard Will Knotstand. “Plus all those student loans? Hell, maybe I’d do the same.”
The other guard was furious and ran after the deranged student. He grabbed ahold of Schreeks who then proceeded to knock the guard’s veneers right out of his mouth. Nevertheless, Schreeks was captured and carried off to jail. At his trial, Schreeks pleaded insanity — which required no jury to confirm — and received six months in a mental hospital.
With counseling, Schreeks has discovered a new sense of positivity and has vowed to continue working toward his performance degree. In order to show his dedication and gratefulness to his professors, he mailed each and every single one of them a CD by his single-most significant musical inspiration: Florence Foster Jenkins.