PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
Aries
You’re finally going to meet your Tinderfella for a coffee at Upper Crust! Too bad he will literally be a koala bear. You’ve been catfished!
Taurus
Make a wish upon the stars; you’ll be sloshed and behind bars! Happy birthday, Taurus!
Gemini
Why did you wear that chinchilla fur coat at Denise’s birthday bash? She’s taking you out of her Fave Five and PETA is on to you.
Cancer
After your parents paid you a spontaneous visit on 4/20 this year, it was deemed a total disaster. Be sure to text and remind them that it was only oregano, and you were cooking some fancy dish. They might buy it.
Leo
Leo, you’re tired of the bar scene. Instead, stay inside and watch that “ultimate rom-com DVD collection” that you bought from Dollar General the other day. P.S. Your boyfriend might break up with you using the creepy prostitute filter.
Virgo
Instead of, “Honey, I’m home,” you usually think, “I’m all alone.” These thoughts are normal, Virgo. If you ask me and the stars up here, we’d say your zodiac sign’s name would be much more applicable after dropping that “o” and adding an “in.”
Libra
Your roommate’s Natty Daddy binge will result in some pretty nasty farts during their sleep. One of these farts will even awake him/her from slumber. Plug your nose.
Scorpio
Always remember to eat your fruits and vegetables. According to astrology, fruits and vegetables can help reduce rejection and limb-loss at your local swimming pool.
Sagittarius
You’re half man half goat? Where do you live, a petting zoo? Honestly, this whole situation sucks. Just do your thing, Sagittarius. Do your thing.
Capricorn
You and Johnny Manziel may have hooked up in a porta-potty at Coachella. Delete all forms of communication and change your name to: Isabella Disdain III.
Aquarius
Eating at Willy’s all semester has rendered you rotund. Quickly! Grab a jump rope, your running shoes and a box of matches. Don’t ask the stars, “Why the matches?” You’ll find out.
Pisces
You’re passionate about politics and cried for days when Hillary Clinton won the New York primary. Look on the bright side: Bill Clinton may visit you in your dreams donning a speedo and carrying a tray of piña coladas.