EMMA PATTERSON
Special to the Lampoon
The world collectively gasped Tuesday when it was reported that Angelina Jolie, a dedicated humanitarian, women’s rights activist, actress and mother of six, filed for divorce from her husband Brad Pitt, an actor.
Since then, Pitt has been at the mercy of angry social media users who have blasted him with sarcastic tweets and memes, mocking him and his storied romantic past. Pitt, perhaps in an ill-conceived effort to escape the firestorm of memes, sought refuge in the most remote place he could think of: behind the counter of Fredonia’s very own Tim Hortons.
“I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Pitt, who was wearing a blonde wig under his hat in an effort to hide his identity as the guy dumped by Angelina Jolie. “I have no idea who this Brad guy is, but he sounds like a sensitive soul … like a real top-notch guy, rich, too.”
He handed an iced coffee to a woman waiting for her drink, which she hadn’t ordered.
“He sounds like the kind of guy any woman would be lucky to have. LUCKY.”
Pitt quickly became something of a celebrity on campus, as students flocked to the Williams Center to order coffee from the guy dumped by Angelina Jolie.
“This is like a childhood dream come true,” said one student waiting in line to catch a glimpse of the new Tim Hortons employee. “To actually order coffee from Angelina Jolie’s ex-husband … I mean, she’s like my idol!”
Meanwhile, Brad Pitt himself was growing agitated by the lack of support given by the students.
“All they care about is Angelina and the kids,” he said, picking up his fake mustache, which had promptly fallen to the floor. “What about me? I mean, Brad? Doesn’t anyone care how he’s taking the news?”
It seems no one did care, as evidenced by the number of complaints made against him as an employee of Tim Hortons.
“It’s like he’s never made his own coffee before, or something,” one student said. “Like, really gross stuff. I think I found a mustache hair in mine.”
“Do I know about the complaints? Of course,” Pitt said, scratching his newly shaved head. “But I don’t need these people. I can find another job and a better paying one at that. This job isn’t good for maintaining my chiseled abs,” he said as he popped another Timbit. “By the way, does anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days? A month, tops?”
Still, Pitt remains steadfast in his assurance that he is not, in fact, the guy dumped by Angelina Jolie.
“I’m not Brad Pitt,” said Brad Pitt loudly, chewing on a Tums and sweating profusely. “Seriously, I’m not. But if anyone sees Angelina, let her know that he’s doing really great. Really, REALLY great.”